Right

This isn’t the right time.

Amidst a flailing of instruction reading and nervousness, we had taken the pregnancy test (as I tried not to pee on my hand), and it came up positive.

We’d only been back in the country four months.

Steve’s dad had only passed away two months before.

Steve had barely started his new teaching assistant job, and was in the process of applying for the extremely competitive and demanding Graduate Teaching Programme.

It wasn’t the right time.

Never mind that Steve and I have a nine year friendship, with a nearly four year marriage.

Great degrees, successful careers so far with plenty of hope for future prospects.

Spent years travelling and serving with a great Christian ministry.

Loving and supportive families excited for the latest member.

Amazing friends ecstatic at the new addition.

A lovely (rented) house with plenty of space.

It still wasn’t the right time.

I had been rejected from the Step Up to Social Work programme.

I was two days from the UCAS deadline for the Masters in Social Work.

I had applied for jobs and not heard back.

I was still working out my career.

That’s what I mean by “it wasn’t the right time.”

Nothing can prepare you for that overwhelming feeling

The pressure of that new life growing inside you

That will be totally dependent upon you

Rely on you for everything

Will look up to you

And you feel you have nothing to give.

Would my child understand all the ups and downs of changing countries, and changing careers? Would my child understand the fact I just got into retail again so I could have a job while Steve looked after his dad, and I tried to find something different but nothing seemed to open up, and then I found out about them, and it was harder to get another job, and risk losing substantial paid maternity leave

For the sake of a

Future career

Future pipedream

Would my child understand?

Do I really understand?

What is my worth found in?

The right career

The right title

The right view of me that I have built up, that I aim for, that I am seeking to have.

I crave that perfect life,

superwoman career mum,

that bakes organic,

giving 100% to marriage

to childcare

to cooking

to church

to hobbies and friends and socialising

and as my belly grows, aches with preparatory birthing pains

my spirit grows more in tune to Father’s whisper

you can’t have it all

so what do you want?

I have wanted motherhood

since spending summers building Playmobile families and homes around my room

since being oldest girl grandchild caring for all oxford cousins

since learning to read early and gathering nursery group for story time

since holding newborn baby brother in my teenage arms

since texas days surrounded by families babysitting for fun

yet shock of motherhood entering my house unexpectedly

made me forget all these things

forget that I have known for a year which nappies I want to use

forget that Steve and I hunted down random family in airport to see brand of their buggy

forget conversations spent learning about family dynamics to be prepared

forget heart racing moments and disappointment of previous pregnancy “scares”

forget burning desire in heart

to nurture

care

create that cute

ginger afro

competitive machine

the world so yearns for

yet is so not ready for

Baby Baby,

I was made ready for you

And your timing, Father, is just right.

Inbetween

Life As We Know It

I haven’t been very good at writing recently.

So much going on, so many thoughts…

But an inability to write has remained

Is it possible that so much is happening

So much is overwhelming

That the thoughts of it all just totally take over

And I can’t get any kind of words out

This “inbetween” stage is hard because there are no real inbetween stages in life

We are constantly going and moving

And Father God is teaching us something in it all

So I search through all the dirt and grit

To find those jewels

Those treasures

That I can hold onto

And that make this striving feel worthwhile

Short details on the various areas of our life:

Steve’s dad continues to be ill. Not sure how much improvement there is. He knows who we are when we visit the hospital so that is comforting, but he is very confused and tired. His mobility is by no means back to 100%. He had two small falls over the weekend at the hospital as he seemingly tried to do too much. He had a CT scan yesterday showing some swelling which led them to do an MRI today. Visiting hours are 2-4pm and 6:30-8:30pm each day. Steve, Ruth and I try and attend one each day, with amazing friends and beautiful congregation from St. Germain’s church going to the other hours. He is still on the Orthopaedic ward because of the broken bones. We are hoping he will move to the Oncology ward as soon as possible to get treatment for the tumour/cancer more effectively.

Steve’s desire to be a teacher continues. He is currently in ‘Plan A’ – getting a Full Time job with a primary school willing to put him through his GTP (graduate teacher programme – paid on the job teacher training for a year). He will keep going with this until the end of next week, and if there is no luck, he will move onto his ‘Plan B.’ He has been contacting dozens of schools via email and telephone. He is so organised ordered and courageous in it all. So proud of him and inspired by him. Today he had a look around at a school ahead of sending in an application for a Learning Support Assistant role at a local school. He really liked the school, and is hoping to get an interview.

My future plans have two paths. Path one is getting short term employment so we have money to live on. Last week I sent out/delivered my (very pretty) cv/resume to several female clothing stores in the city centre. Had some news/feedback for a couple saying there were now no vacancies or only 4 hr contracts, but I have an interview with one tomorrow (Wednesday) which is just a part-time role, with the potential for more hours at their store, or one of the other branches in the city. Not sure which one will be the right one, but hopeful Father God will lead me.

Path two is getting onto a social work masters course. Path two splits into two separate plans [the Millers are loving their plans at the moment!!]

‘Plan A’: Step Up to Social Work starting Feb 2012, paid masters course with Sandwell County Council (West Birmingham). I have made it through the first stage (review of the 2700 applications) and now my application is with the Sandwell County Council for them to review. I will find out by the end of the month if I have made it though to the next stage [interview/assessment centre day].

‘Plan B’: traditional Social Work masters starting Sept 2012, unpaid masters course with (hopefully) the University of Birmingham. I am completing my application, and have to write a one page personal statement on why I want to do the course, thoughts on social work, past experience etc. The deadline is January 15^th, but I want to get it in mid October to give myself the best chance of placement.

We have visited friends and family in Bristol and Oxford and look forward to visits to Burnley, York, Boure and St Neots from Thurs-Sun. Lots of driving, but lots of fun with people we spend far too little time with.

There is lots of other boring admin involving driving licenses, visiting doctors and dentists, and various other things. The only exciting part is I had my eyes tested (it had been 4 years since I last had them done) and discovered my left eye has got weaker and my right eye is over compensating for it, but that is putting a strain on my eyes so I need to change my prescription. I am sure there is a spiritual lesson in there somewhere. Plus side – there was a ‘2 for 1’ offer on glasses, so my two new pairs will be arriving soon. Very excited from a stylistic point of view.

I wish I had in me more inspiring words.

They are there somewhere. Buried. Deep.

Please pray for us and all the various needs we have.

Also to throw in there, I need to have documentation of my school exams taken aged 16 & 18 which are in a file somewhere in my Oxford house. Despite 4 hours of searching over the weekend, we are yet to find them. Cost to replace them is in excess of £200 ($300), money we would prefer not to spend on something like that.

Missing our Texas people lots and lots.

Missing the sun too.

Next Step

Notes have been lacking throughout the month of August due to being in San Antonio for three weeks, and then Colorado for a week for Pais Training. It's a hard life, really it is. 

My last note, Ahead, spoke of my conversation with Father God to step back from planning for our future in England (housing, jobs, courses, finances) and concentrate on pouring into the apprentices and leaders on Pais. 

Ten days ago, I received an email from my mother who somehow had found online an opportunity to get paid to do a masters in social work (the qualification I have been seeking to get) in 18 months (rather than 24 months) and start in February (rather than September next year).

A chance had fallen into my lap without me even trying and Father God once again confirmed that He sees everything and is ordering everything.

And He does a better job than I do.

Somehow, amongst all the craziness, training and flights, I managed to complete the application and today sent it off!!

Thanks to you for all your words of encouragement!!

Thanks to professional advice from many but especially Anna, Dave, Luke, Nikki and Debs!!

I am excited to see how this all works out. In September they contact all the people who haven't made it through to the Assessment Centre/Interview stage. So I am hoping to hear from someone in October to say I have made it through!! 

I will still be applying for the traditional masters course next month, but I am hopeful that this is a door that Father God has opened for me to step through. If not, all it has done is increased by drive and passion for social work and making an impact on the community. 

For now, I will leave you with my personal statement from my application. 

There may be grammtical errors, things you would change or things you don't like about it. 

My mother always said, if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all. 

And as she told me on the phone today as I told her I had submitted it, "All we can do is pray. What is done, is done. It cannot be undone."

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A love for books and a passion for people led me to study English Literature and Sociology.

I am fascinated by the why’s of social interaction.

I have learnt that the issue is not the issue; what appears to be the reason behind an action, even if verbalised, is often shadowing something deeper within.

My dissertation on Black British culture analysed some of the continued inequalities and struggles faced within our society.

I have used my blog as a medium to inform and inspire on issues such as race, adoption, and relationships.

The last five years spent 5000 miles from family and friends produced resilience and strength to endure in difficult circumstances.

Marriage at just 23 has taught me the value of family and unity, as well as developed maturity that I do not believe I would possess otherwise.

Ten years of involvement in youth and children’s work has cultivated strong communication skills, both written and verbal.

I love speaking to groups of people, particularly females.

My heart breaks over the increased sexualisation of young girls, the rise of teenage pregnancy and body dysmorphia.

Through mentoring of both individuals and groups of girls (some for 3-4years), I have sought to intervene into these unfortunate social trends.

Through The Pais Project, I have learnt to work as a team player in partnership with colleagues, church leaders, and school staff to facilitate lasting change in young peoples lives.

Naturally a speaker, I have slowly learned to listen more and better help those around me.

Friends employed as social workers are all unanimous in communicating the demanding and often exhausting nature of their profession.

Testimonies from the current Step Up cohort are clear in describing isolation and course intensity.

I go into this venture sure of its difficulty, but excited by its potential.

I believe there is always hope…an opportunity for more than we are all living for, and more than we are experiencing right now.