Faith

I had a humbling moment today.

Despite phoning up numerous times and asking supposedly all the right questions, things always go wrong.

When I arrived to check in Kaream after his 5-week stay with us in America, we were told that although he was given two free checked bags leaving Heathrow, he was only entitled to one free checked bag leaving DFW.

We waited 45 minutes to speak to a manager who basically said that a mistake had been made (by the check in agent at LHR, the agent at KIN who told us that bags on international flights were free, and the AA agent we spoke to on the phone the night before Kaream flew who all told us the same thing) and that we would have to pay – there was no other option.

I was already emotional at the thought of Kaream leaving…tears fell down my face in the gap while we waited to speak to the manager…as we walked away with the bag we hoped to check (weighing around 30lbs which Kaream had struggled even to get down the apartment stairs, let alone haul around the airport or even put in the overhead bin) my head raced through the worst case scenarios…“If they can’t even give consistent information on baggage, then how will they look after him?!”…“They lost his release form on the way here, these people are obviously incompetent, how can I be at peace with entrusting him to them?”

And then Kaream spoke to me:

“Seb, lets sing that song that we did at Pais Foundational Training”

And there in the middle of the airport we sang:

Our God is greater, Our God is stronger

God you are higher, than any other

Our God is healer, awesome in power

Our God, Our God

And if our God is with us

Then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us

Then what can stand against?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking “I really hope Kaream’s voice better than yours Sebrina?”

‘Fraid not.

But we worshipped regardless.

When we got to the Boarding Gate, I went to do the final check in for Kaream and to let them know that he would need assistance placing his bag in the overhead locker as his suitcase was heavy.

The agent offered to to check the bag…for free.

Kaream turned to me and said:

“See – I told you God would work it out!”

I really struggle in my faith sometimes when times get hard.

Sometimes I feel as if everything is stacked against me and bad things that go wrong in my life only happen to me.

But everyone poops.

Thus crap is everywhere.

Life is constantly going to be throwing us curveballs and hardballs.

Life will often feel like that scene in Dodgeball when Patches O’Houlihan is throwing wrenches at the team to get them fit.

But good happens, because God has happened.

This is a promise I struggle with, but I have to hold on to.

“If God is for us, then who can be against us?”

So I cried at the gate watching my brother leave, knowing that I won’t see him until Christmas…

…and again at the currency exchange when although the sign said closing was 10pm, at 9:30 the woman had stopped serving…

…and again at the exit to the airport as 2 hrs 59 mins costs you $4 but 3 hrs 4 mins costs you $6…

…and again when I got back to my empty lonely apartment as my husband faithfully serves Pais…

…and again when I felt as if I had nothing to live for as I don’t have a job and I don’t know where Father is leading me…

But God is for me, He isn’t against me.

And I’m clinging to that promise at the moment. 

Adventure

There is never a dull moment in the Miller Household...
...And there is never a still moment when you are looking to follow Father God.

Our latest random journey takes us to...GHANA!!

In September 2008, Pais set up its first African nation in Accra, Ghana. The first team has three people, last year's team rose to ten; hopefully this years team will have more. The previous teams have seen incredible fruit, working in eight local schools, teaching hundreds weekly and bringing many into relationships with Father. They have also done outreaches, in partnership with the local church, into the nieighbouring poorer villages to bring supplies, medical aid and practically meet other needs.

The nation is led by Mawunyo Debrah, who was on Pais:USA 07/08 in Arlington at the same church as us. We both got to know her extremely well – she is a hardcore prayer warrior, often staying up through the night to pray for her teams, and is so faithful in all that she does. Though she has worked hard, the one area she has struggled in is long-term leadership to come alongside her. This upcoming year, everyone on the team will be new to Pais:Ghana, with only one person having done Pais previously (another familiar face – Carmen, who was on the team Steve led 08/09!). 

Previously, all of the Ghanaian missionaries had to travel to the UK to complete their Foundational Training. With such a large cost, this training excluded many of the apprentices from receiving the much needed training. This year, she has taken the bold step to provide the Foundational Training in Ghana, for her new teams. However, that is a large undertaking for her to complete by herself. 

Mawunyo’s need is simple – she needs help organizing and running Foundational Training.

With both of our experience on Pais, and with Steve’s specific expertise in running conferences and training apprentices, we both jumped at the opportunity to go out and practically help. 


Our need is simple - we need prayer and financial support. 


The rundown of our trip is as follows:

• Travel dates: September 3rd-September 15th, 2010 (yes, in less than a month's time!!)
• Trip cost: $4,300/£2,700 (this includes flight, visa, yellow fever vaccinations, malaria tablets, and a contingency fund - all food, transport, accommodation and activities are provided by Pais:Ghana)
• Role: Before - helping the planning of the conference (this has already begun)
• Role: During - delivering Pais training and supporting Mawunyo and the apprentices. 

We need to book our flights by Friday August 13th so that we can apply for our visas in time.

If you can help financially support us please contact us by email (sebrinamiller@gmail.com or stevemiller@paisproject.com) and let us know how much you are able to donate (so we can keep track of our current balance) and how you would like to pay (cash, US check, UK check, paypal or direct bank deposit for both our US & UK banks)

We know this is a very last-minute thing, but we really feel this is what God is calling us to do. For those of you who don’t know, Sebrina recently resigned from her role on Pais. She was offered a job with an adoption agency, but after three weeks of planning, visa issues meant that she was unable to take the role. This was extremely upsetting to us both, but we trusted that God was in control. Had the job gone ahead, we would not have both been able to do this trip, so we are seeing the blessing despite the storm. We are really excited for the impact that we can make on the teams and the blessing that we will be to Mawunyo. Please keep us and Pais:Ghana in our prayers.

Looking forward to hearing from you – please email us your thoughts and encouragements!!

Steve & Sebrina

Loss

One of my training sessions for Gladney was on “Grief and Loss” exploring how the different parts of the adoption circle (birth mothers, adoptees, adoptive parents) deal with the various grief and loss they experience…well seems like that training is going to come in handy.

I lost the job.

I got a call today saying they really wanted me for the position, but its not going to work out because of visa issues. For those of you who understand visa stuff, the requirements for the H-1B visa (the normal type of working visa) says:

You are coming to the US to perform services in a specialty occupation with a college (university) degree.

I have a degree, but because the Gladney position doesn’t require a degree (but prefers it) and previous people have worked the same position without a degree, they cannot petition for the visa as it isn’t seen, according to immigration, as a “specialty occupation”.

I cried hard after that phone conversation.

Yes. I cried.

It is so weird to lose something you never started in the first place, but filling out all the paperwork, doing the reading, meeting some of the women, having a tour of the facility…my heart was there, my heart was in the role.

And it just got taken away.

But I KNOW Father God is working in this.

I really felt like I needed to read the first bits of the story of Job. He was described as a “blameless & upright man…who feared God an shunned evil” but God allowed Satan to bring sadness into his life to show that Job would not stop praising God. Job said these words (which Steve had comically put by our shower in the last house):

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

I have NO idea why Father God has chosen to take this thing away from me.

But I do know he works all things for the good of those who love Him.

I don’t know what the next step is, I don’t know if I will still try and pursue some volunteer position with Gladney (part of me would really like to), I just don’t know anything other than I’m really sad, hurt and upset that I have lost this opportunity.

And I guess this is where the poop hits the fan, and your faith really gets tested; are these just songs I sings and nice words in a book, or do I really believe in the things God says?

Do I really believe that good will come out of this situation?

Do I really believe God is on my side and is working this craziness out and going to something more amazing than I can imagine?

Yes.

But it just hurts a lot right now. 

Era

Sometimes there’s just a restlessness, a gut feeling you can’t shake that seems to say its time to move on but you don’t really know what is next so you don’t understand the feeling, and question whether its just you being silly or God on the move (or possibly indigestion).

After four years serving in roles for both Pais:USA and Pais:Global, my (full-time) journey with The Pais Project is over. I will still be involved in random ways in the ministry, Steve will still be serving with them so it’s a given I will help out, but my last official day was June 25th. 

After seeking God and hearing him speak in several ways (some weird!) I realized it was time to step out, but was absolutely petrified. Father had talked to me about “broad paths” and “wide spaces” and “open places” but I didn’t know how anything would work out: visa, finances, transport…but sometimes you have to jump anyways. 

And Father God, as always, has been faithful and supplied.

I decided that I would use my time in England and Jamaica to think through what was the next step, and come back and look up jobs. We downsized to an apartment saving a significant amount of money, to prepare ourselves for the potentially financially-tight months ahead (as if the past four years haven’t been like that anyway!). But before we even left, a friend mentioned a job and I was asked to send in my resume (for which I needed to write one first…). I was asked to come in for an interview at 10am on the day our flight for England left at 4pm, and got on to the plane thinking “that was a good experience but I don’t expect much to come from it”. Fastforward to the day we arrive back, and I get a call saying the job is mine if I want it. 

Overwhelmed is not the word.

So I am (soon to be) the Weekday House Parent at the Gladney Center for Adoption, serving birth mothers who are staying in the dorms as they prepare to place their child for adoption. With space on campus for up to 30 prenant women, who will range in aged from early teens to early/mid forties, my job title states my role as:

Providing a comfortable, harmonious climate for day-to-day living, attempting to be a substitute parent and a positive role model for the young women.

I am petrified, not least as I do my preliminary reading of “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” (I am second in command if a girl goes into labour!), I am overwhelmed that Father is giving me this opportunity to be hands-on with these vulnerable young women who are going through what can only be described as one of the most beautiful yet painful things in the world – spending nine months caring for a baby, to then bless another family with that life. 

There are so many prayer points:
– Visa change over as quickly as possible so I can start working
– A car (preferably cute and small with good gas mileage for my 25 min drive to/from work)
– Training/Reading in advance of the role

Amidst these concerns I am reminded of one of my favourite lines in the bible that says we should be “careless in the care of God”. I am also reminded that these things are small change, little speed bumps to traverse, compared to the more weightier matter of reaching these women, supporting them, being an advocate for them, and helping them through this period of life.

And bringing them the hope and love of a Father who cares for them.

I am nervous, excited, overwhelmed, worried, scared, apprehensive..

But I’m passionate about people. I’m passionate about being a person who brings change for the better into people’s lives.

There are people, I believe, who will never simply walk to an event at a church or just make friends with a Christian because of a fear of judgement.

And these are the people I feel it is my job to seek out and find. To go to their places. To meet them where they are at.

And so I jump into this next stage, this new era, wholeheartedly, knowing that if Father God worked all these crazy situations together and got me this job without me even trying or seeking it out, then there must be a great reason that He wants me there. 

Boomtown.

Jemi

My cousin’s baby has finally arrived with the name:

Oluwajemi

Called “Jemi” for short, her Nigerian name means ‘God has answered me’.

And the truth is, He has.

For Femi and Jordelle, as with any other parent, all you desire is for your child to be healthy. They didn’t care whether it was a girl or a boy, they just wanted “it” to be well.

God answered that. 

And that's a huge thing. 

But Father God answers the small things as well. 

I remember the phone conversation with Jordelle in early December last year. With her first sentence she told me that she was pregnant. 

With her second sentence, she asked Steve and I to be god-parents. 

Knowing our always tight and hectic summer schedule, and with the baby's due date right at the end of the week we planned to be in England, we prayed that Father would have her born on time and we'd get to see her. 

Halfway through our week in England, and four days earlier than expected, we got news that Jordelle had gone into labour. 

A painful and agonizing 24 hours later (for which I have an increases amount of respect for my new heroes - all mothers who endure labour), Jemi was born. 

God answered our prayer. 

It was small, it was selfish, but God answered it anyway, giving us four days to spend with our beautiful god-daughter before we left.

He answered the huge. He answers the small. 

And then there's the random. 

In 2 King 6, a group of prophets led by Elisha, are cutting down trees, when one of their axes falls into the water. 

Axe gone right?

Elisha, probably uttering a silent prayer, instructs one of the men (also most likely uttering a silent prayer) to show him where the axe fell into the water, then throws a stick which makes the iron axe float to the surface. 

God answered their prayer. 

Father God deeply cares about the huge, small and random asks we have. 

The school paper. The ill relative. The football game. The work conference. The household budget. The mourning family. The new relationship. The bullied child. 

Let us not be as abusive and flippant to treat Him like a ethereal vending machine, who chugs out a delightful treat in return for a rusty coin of hurried meaningless words. 

But let's not be too scared to open our hearts to converse with Father God of the universe, who despite the awesome role of being in charge of all creation, answers our prayers. 

What will you ask Him for today??

Jordelle and Femi's words back to Father are revealed in the meaning of Jemi's middle name 'Feyishara'?

"Take this as yours."

Open

Touchdown landing

In a place I don’t recognize.

New people bustle around my new home

Bare feet hit earth unfelt before

Tingling, surprised, nervous.

This is it.

Horizon stretches far beyond the eye

Free from constraints, free from your man-made boundaries

your legalistic rules

your fence

your laws.

I step into it.

I tried to run but invisible string kept me back

From what I wanted

What I saw

What my hearts passion cried out for.

But those strings no longer will rule.

My feet, bare yet scarred

Walk that first

Timid

Step.

Anxiety seeks to devour me

But your bite marks will not consume me

Nor rule me

In your freedom I walk

In this new space

Wide place

Open path

Broad dream

And You smile.

(Poem inspired by reading: Psalm 31 v 8, Psalm 18 v 9 & Psalm 18 v 36)

You

You don’t know what they did to me.

The lies.

The pain.

The cheat.

The agony.

The hurt.

The broken trust.

The time I spent pouring into them.

The time I spent investing.

The effort.

And for what?

This.

You don’t understand

what they did to me

I don’t know if I can trust again

See them again

Be with them again

Its gone

There’s no hope

And you want me to say its ok.

I’ve moved on.

I’m fine.

Don’t worry about it.

Its not a big deal.

Then I would be no better than them because I would be a liar.

A cheat.

A deceiver.

And that’s not who I am.

I am better.

And I won’t forgive.

I can’t forgive.

Its impossible.

Its easy for you but not for me.

Its simple for you, but not for me

Because you don’t understand what they said.

Fool me once shame

on me but fool me twice shame on

you

not me.

I won’t be a victim again.

I can’t be a victim again.

You don’t understand, I’ve been hurt

So many times before.

This time is the last.

I surround my heart with wire

a fortress of protection to stop

Those invaders of my goodwill

Taking advantage

Catching me off guard

Ruining me

You won’t hurt me again.

But I will never love again.

(Poem inspired by Matthew 18 vs. 22-23)