Others

Another morning spent praying to the porcelain God…

My whole body aches and wretches in pain as, once again, part of my day is spent trying to count the pounds of food wasted, destined for life as sewage

I pride myself on being a relatively healthy person. No major ailments other than anaemia, no broken bones, no big diseases, in fact my only childhood trip to the hospital was to the ear, nose & eye clinic in Oxford, where aged six I lodged a stone up my nose during a boring outdoor assembly.

I have always been an overachiever.

Pregnancy however is proving my Achilles heel, sapping my freakish man strength from my very core:

Anaemia – haemoglobin count lower than ever, creating uber tiredness

PGP – Pelvic girdle pain, causing excruciating hip pain when I sleep on my back and often getting in/out of bed

Pulled muscle in chest – pain breathing deeply, coughing, sneezing, laughing too hard

Suspected UTI – urinary tract infection, causing frequent peeing and pain

At times I have felt my body completely defeated me

And then I remember “them”

That growing life needing energy and nutrients and safety

And I find myself saying to people:

“I don’t care how sick I get, as long as “they” are ok.”

If I puke everyday, which I seem to enjoy so much, it seems worthwhile pain to endure as long as baby is alright.

Pregnancy seems to be cracking this snow queen’s heart.

Making her think of someone other than self.

And I’m reminded of Jesus:

“When he saw the multitudes, He was moved by compassion for them…”

“He said, ‘They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.’”

“Ok, My Father, if this cup [dying for man’s sins on the cross] cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

I know I am no Jesus.

But this womb growing seeks to shape and embrace the fullness of this simple truth.

Others first.

What situation today is Father God using to call you into that place?

The place where you sip

Bitter drink

Gladly

For joy is found when that cup

Is empty

Drunk

Fully devoured

To save the lives

of others. 

Sick

I am not sick.

Scratchy throat.

Mucus overflowing.

Congested eyes.

Kleenex empty.

Orange juice overdose.

All a mere coincidence

Because

I am not sick.

Why do I not want to be “sick”?

Because to be sick

would mean to take

medicine

to a take a tablet that says

condescendingly with little blue face:

“There is something wrong with you;

you need to be fixed.”

The shame of feeling wrong

Being incomplete

Not 100%

The stigma of not being all put together

The pity eyes that say

“Hope you feel better soon”

I am not sick

Because I don’t want to be vulnerable.

I don’t want to be weak

Not strong enough

For the callings of day-to-day existence

When millions of others

Handle same situations

Just fine

But I cannot.

And that brings me shame.

I am not sick.

I don’t want to be sick.

I can’t be sick.

And because I refuse to take on the sickness

Confess the ill

Own the weakness

Admit my lacking

I will not be healed. 

Legacy

This time with Steve’s dad is a bittersweet one.

We all know that our time on earth is relatively short,

somewhere between 80-100 years if we are fortunate.

So in a sense,

we are all dying,

each day a day closer to meeting our maker

But sickness has a way of bringing that to the forefront

Of putting the fragility of life right in our face

Brian & Ruth, through this past autumn, winter and now into spring

Have remained ever trusting in Father God

Faithfully reading His word daily

Relying on revelation by His holy spirit for a word to speak directly into their situation

They have not been failed by our God.

And Steve and I follow suit

Desperate clinging to Father

Asking Him to speak into this beautiful mess

This sweet

yet painful

Time

Daily reading, seeking, wanting a word...

This week I read of a king, rich materially, who was visited by those from an enemy state. He naively welcomes the adversary messengers sent to “wish him well” following his illness. Arrogantly, he tours them through his silver, gold, expensive oils, weapons and such, hiding nothing from their peering eyes.

He exposed himself to his foe.

A prophet (the spiritual equivalent of a psychic) comes along, shocked that he left nothing hidden from them and accurately predicts that all this will be taken from their land in the future.

The King has exposed his forthcoming descendents to their foe.

The Kings response:

“But surely nothing bad will happen in my lifetime.

I’ll enjoy peace and stability as long as I live.”

Do we seek wealth and security for just us or our future generations as well?

Do we think of relationships in terms of the offspring we will produce? Do we consider whether this will be a good union for them?

Do we look after our plot of land right now, or seek to create something sustainable for those to come?

Is only our country of matter, or do we look further afield to sow a seed?

When the photo albums of us are looked back on,

will the page turn swiftly

Hastily

When it comes to our picture?

Or will time be spent

Stroking our face tenderly

Reflecting on the love that was left behind

To a generation that never knew the sound of our voice?

We have no idea of the strength of this disease on Brian’s body

But we know of the strength

Impact

Legacy

Of his life on our future generations

His courage

Leadership

Hospitality

Compassion

Embarrassing anecdotes of Steve

These will live on far beyond his life

They will echo into the eternity of our family

They will be heard 

loudly

And embraced 

dearly

And peace and stability will endure,

long after his lifetime.