Last

Arlington, Texas

My home for five years

Yesterday I got on a plane to you

For the last time that I know of

This is our last summer together

When we first met, the sun so bright and warm at 8pm

After invasive immigration “welcome”

You lavishness welcomed me as I settled into my pool house

My first experience of life behind gates

My British charm delightful

Until the second day came

when I called my host’s adult son

 a smart ass

And I realised your language is different

And I have a potty mouth.

I wondered whether I would fit

In within your

Redneck ways

And cowboy hats

But there is so much more to you than

The show ‘Dallas’ portrays

Arlington you were the place

I learnt

Really learnt

Youth ministry

Learnt it’s significance

Learnt that it makes my heart beat

Learnt that mediocrity doesn’t pay the bills

And doesn’t save souls

Learnt to delegate

Let go

Not control

And grow others

Learnt how hard

Yet beautiful it is

To create family

Family that loves Father

Learnt that consumerism

Is in the church

But authenticity

Brings freedom

Learnt about the journey

The conversation

The adventure in you

Your word

Really knowing and studying your word

And your spirit

In the everyday

And Arlington,

You were the place that comforted me

Wiped tears

In the face of

suicide

breast cancer

homesickness

brain tumours

And most of all

I thank you

For getting me married

And keeping me married

For without the mentors of your city

I know I would be

Another divorce statistic

Or another lonely girl

Unable to trust

The best way to know a city

Is to get lost in it

And now I don’t know where

Arlington ends

And I begin

So I put on my swimsuit

Enjoy your sun

Sip all the Sonic I can

And forget about the tears that will flow

When nine weeks

Is counted down.

Fragile

You hate to be the “fun sucker”

The one who sits on the other side of the fence head in hands

Sulky face

While others run circus style

With joy and laughter

And hope

And point at you wondering why you

Insist on being so dull

Not joining the party

But you sulk and whine

Attempting to disguise

Sadness at the fact

The tear-stained cheeks

At the party’s strict guest list

And you’re can’t possibly be on it

Because you don’t have a dad.

In family portrait where biological father should be

Stands shadow of a man

I do not know

Cannot know

Will never know

Would not delight to know

For what would a coward of a man

Defiantly and flippantly

turning back on responsibility

Possible have

To offer me

I am not his daughter.

Mother does what mother should

Arms wide, full of love

Shopping trips with bargains

Late night gossips over hot chocolate

At home relaxer mishaps and remedies on scarred skin

Cooks well enough to feed both stomach

And heart

But mother cannot do what father should

For that is not her role

That is not her portion

That is not her blame

For she held the bike as I nervously stumbled

Traipsed to parent teacher meetings alone

Taught half-naked toddler to read and write

And took my arm and gave it away

Entrusting into arms of a man she deemed fit enough

 A man who wouldn’t leave me behind.

You see,

The fatherless heart is a precious thing

Broken so early on

Barely even functional

Stone walls surround

Yet bribes are taken

For despite how much I know I can’t trust

And don’t want to be vulnerable

A smile and promise can lead you in

But cement lines show

New layers added

As promises are proven to be empty

I am blessed for in the gap

So many have stepped into

Willing to take the place where one wouldn’t go

For years or for seasons

They have shaped me

And weaved me

Mended me

Resuscitated me

Blank field on birth certificate proves a painful reminder

But I choose

To twist it around

Words of a teacher

Etched in my heart:

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.”

For I am a joy

A princess

A jewel

Worthy of so many crowns

A fighter back in the ring

For “fatherless” will not be my definition

Not my crutch

Nor my excuse

For phoenix rises from ashes

Of statistics and stereotypes

To prove I am more than enough

And though earthly situations

Led to spiritual deformations

And I struggled to trust

In a Father who cared

Who would stick around long-term

Fulfilling his word

Oh Father God you have shown yourself strong.

My past has shaped,

But it will not dictate.

So today, will you not

Dry the tear

And be around 

And sit and support

The ones just like me.

For we are a fragile kind,

In need of a unshakeable Father.

------ 

Happy Father's Day

Father's, Step-dad's, Adoptive Fathers, Papa's, Grandpa's, Pops', G-Pa's, Uncle's, Foster dad's, Cousin's, Mentors, big brother's, men of the community....never forget what a difference you make in the life of a child, just by simply being there...

...without you, they would be fatherless.