Are

When you look in the mirror at home,

You are fine and happy with what you see.

The problem is when you step outside of the home.

That's where the mirrors reflect something else.

Something other.

Gathered in a room of girls,

Silently competing,

"Fine and Happy" suddenly isn't cutting it.

That skirt you thought was fetch,

Their eyes squint at it, but then smile up at you betrayingly.

You look down,

And its newfound ugliness pierces through you.

And yet again,

That ugly deceiver rears its head

Oh no,

Not envy.

We are aware of envy's danger, it's hold, it's wrath.

We are wise to envy's game and the lies of the grass being greener.

So it sends, instead, the coy and looming face of its partner:

Comparison.

I remember the night,

Months previously,

As I did my far too regular trawl of Facebook,

I saw a mother describe how her bundle had finally cracked it and was getting to sleep at 6:30pm and sleeping through the night.

The words grabbed me.

My sane brain left, and my over achieving mind took over.

It started off being happy and pleased knowing the rest a mother needs,

The difficult season the early days of babies are,

And the relief her soul must feel.

Then like a snake it winded cunningly down another dark path,

One where I, once again, questioned my mothering skills:

"Why cant I get my child to sleep?!"

"What am I doing wrong?!"

"'Am I not a good mother?!"

The path weaves further, leading to an ugly pit:

"Why isn't Zella like that child?!"

That's where comparison grabs you,

To that place where even those you love,

Those most close,

most vulnerable,

Risk being attacked.

If I play that evil game,

With my precious babe at just 4 months young,

Then where will I be in 4 years or 14?!

How bruised and damaged will her self-esteem be??

For isn't the root cause of the too-skinny

Too-fat

Too-stressed

Too-overworked

Too-drugged up

Too-overachieving

Lying naked and stripped at the feet of comparison??

The saddest thing of all,

The true travesty of the situation,

Is that comparison steals your joy.

Steals your now.

Steals the things of beauty,

Laid before you in this moment.

At present, my favourite thing about Zella is the way she is with people.

Long did I imagine, hope and pray for a child who would not just be ok with others,

But revel in the wonder and fun of new people.

As our dear friend came over and sat on our sofa Sunday night

Zella played with her face

Smiled brightly

Burped responsively

Cuddled tightly

And brought more joy to an individual than I ever thought she could as such a young thing.

And as we travelled across the Atlantic

She took her spirit of woo

Of charm

Of love

At the airport check in desk

Sweet smiles to the security guards

Passengers apprehensive about her small life and potential cries

Were enveloped into her grin and giggles

And as each friend in Texas called her name

She reached arms swung wide open

Almost falling into their embrace

To stroke their face and nuzzle close

If I stand in the place of looking at others side-by-side to her,

I miss seeing her as she sits, just as she is, on her own, as her own individual.

I cannot and will not compare myself to another.

And I most certainly cannot and will not compare my child,

my kin, my babe, fruit of my womb,

To any other.

I will not buy into that silent lie,

That breeds bacteria of discontent.

She, just the way she is,

Like husband, just the way he is,

Like me, just the way I am,

Is more than enough.

Just right.

Complete.

These words will I speak into her,

Over her,

Through her,

With her.

"Zella, you are fine and happy, just the way you are."

Joneses

I want to be like the Joneses.

The Joneses are a great couple.

Fun, lively, adventurous.

And most importantly,

They have lots of money.

They’re both professionals, well respected in their jobs,

And at the end of the month, when their pay cheque arrives

They don’t weep with sadness.

The Joneses love to travel and go and see their friends all the time

They always buy everyone’s drinks at the bar

They produce the most unique and expensive birthday presents for friends

Their clothing is impeccable.

Parties, at the fancy hotels they hire, are an extravagant evening of outrageous fun.

Holidays are filled with business class jaunts across the world

And they can often afford to pay

for other members of their family to join them.

The Joneses are cool.

The Joneses are great.

But the Joneses are not the Millers.

And that makes me envious.

I have this nagging feeling that the Millers

will never be that couple who earn tons of money.

And I thought I was ok with that.

Neither one of us has a tremendous desire to climb the corporate ladder

After Miller man’s brief encounter of retail management,

he realised that he wanted to grow people and not profits

After Miller woman’s profound calling to youth ministry aged 15,

she knew that she was inspired by the thought of impacting the lives of the broken, young and hurting

Neither one of these comes with a massive pay packet

And that was ok

I thought

But five years following graduation

Not even earning enough to meet student loan pay off threshold

And you start to wonder

Is the life of the Millers that good

That effective

That profitable?

And you peek over the fence

And the grass looks lush and bright

And for just a day, or a week

It seems great to roll around

On the other side

Profound night thoughts make me ponder

What is true wealth?

For our wealth of experiences

Of travels to African continent

Jet set transatlantic life

Training people who impact a generation

Helping write book that calls others to action

Mentoring young people and seeing them thrive in their futures

Being told by non-Christians, that our faith seems so strong

Is there not a great richness in this as well?

And commitment made, and stuck to, alongside marriage vows

To live debtless

Unchained

Without credit card, store cards

Mortgage or car loan

And see the real freedom

That could be had

Are we not richer with bank balance that stays in black?

When Father’s holy word says

“fret not yourself”

and

“do not be envious”

I must remind myself

We are the Millers

Called to something different than the Joneses

Or the Smiths, or the Blacks, or the Scots

Our path is individual

And looking over fences

Merely distracts from the garden I am to tend on my own patch

Being rich is not a crime

Being poor is a not a sin

The real travesty of life

Is when I’m so blinded by the endeavour for the more and different to what I have

The world misses out on me concentrating

On the things I am called to

The things the Millers are meant to do.

Photo © Paul Green

Flat Stanley

My head awash with the stress of this life

Why is it…

Why all these things

Decisions

Pains

All at the same time

You poke your head out of my bag

And smile

Your static arms

Fixed position

A stable constant

In this world every changing

Your lighthearted ways bring comfort through this

Heavy yoke

Burden unrelenting

With you

Everyday

I find beauty

New

The things I looked at a million times

Are fresh with your eyes

Dinners become gourmet dishes

Buses become extravagant transport

Houses become terraced palaces

I capture the simple

I marvel in the ordinary

I see your work Father in every little detail

In one hand I take sickness

Emotional distress

Secret hurts

Stressful futures

Perplexing decisions

But in the other I take your joy

Words you speak to me through others

Food that I didn’t even know was in the house

Baggy clothes that smell of a husband far away

The chance to help friends learn Facebook

I see the hope

Not in the future

But in right now

The hundreds upon thousands of gifts before me

Piled high

But seemingly hidden behind piles of mud, dirt and grime

Distraction

Obstacles

A wall that must be broken down

I hold Flat Stanley’s tiny hand

Raising him high to capture the moment

His adventure makes me smile

Reminding me

Of my adventure

My journey

The process

I want to skip forward

Race through all this angst

But Stanley says that there is something in this moment for me to know

Relish

Learn from

Savour

There is something in each moment

That I cannot miss

That through the tear-speckled eyes I must blink to see to

The gift

My gifts

That are new every morning

Solo

For my birthday present, I got surprised with a trip to Florida (to see my friend Catharine Brindley from London compete in the Ironman 70.3 Triathlon AND to spend time with the Pais team there).

I flew FIRST CLASS!!

- Before any one wonders how we can afford that, the answer is we can't!! BUT because we fly standby, flights in America are the same price whether you fly coach/economy or first class...God is FANTASTIC (and that is a note all in itself for another time!!)

Standby rules meant I wasn't allowed to wear denim, shorts skirts or skorts (skirts and shorts combined). I thought my brown knee highs would look sophisticated but they only go with my jeans. In the end i picked a relatively sensible outfit, but topped it offwith a sweater pretentiously placed over my shoulders and tid in a Little Lord Fauntleroy/Prep School/Country Club manner. I discovered that my bag had a slit in it so you could slide it on the top of my small suitcase and look professional and like a well-seasoned traveller.

"Jaunty Fierce" best described me.

On my ticket was written 'Priority Access' so i got to go through another line while those in economy classes queued up.

The flight crew welcomed me more graciously then they had on my previous flights when I was slumming it.

I sat in seat by just ONE other person. Out arms never touched despite my fidgeting.

Our drinks orders were taken and arrived in real glasses.The orange juice tasted as if they had freshly squeezed the fruit from a beach that morning and then thoughtfully sieved to remove pips, bits and impurities that would impair taste.

Snacks were available for sale in coach. In First Debbie (who loved my accent) came and took my order on a stainless steal notepad. My omlette arrived accompanied by potato wedges, a fruit bowl and a lightly toasted bagel. I ate with real silverwear, savouring every morsel of this exquisite delight.

I was being treated like the princess I always knew myself to be.

Amidst this experience i kep thinking:

"I wish Steve was here!"

"Kaream would love flying in first class like this!"

"Jess and Jemma were so lucky when they got to fly first together!"

I had never felt so special.


Yet I had never felt so alone.


Experiences aren't that great when you don't have people to share them with. The moment was sophisticated and refined, but it would have been complete if the moment had been shared.

---

I spent the second half of the plane ride so engrossed in a conversation with the lady next to me, that we never exchanged names though we exchangedlife stories. We talked of healthcare, children, foreclosed houses, pets, flying, birds that were part of divorce settlements, nannies for children vs staying at home, church, quiliting and death.

She was alone.

I was alone.

Together we weren't.

---

On the shared shuttle ride to the hotel, a lady named Harlee who was travelling alone made this simple yet profound statement:

"Its always so much more fun when you can share it with someone!"

And that's the challenge for us all - to find someone fun to share it with. It's not about having a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/child/best friend...its about appreciating and realising that the people that Father God has placed around you are not by chance, are not by accident...there is a plan and a purpose for them. They add to your life. There are experiences you will gain from them that you will not gain from anyone else. They are gifts they have that you are lacking so Father is blessing you by allowing you to learn from them. There are hard times that will remain hard but become bearable by leaning on those besides you. There are words that you will say, words that you will hear, that will change the very trajectory of your life, but you need to be around to be in that moment.

We can have the most amazing experiences, have the most beautiful clothes, have the best job...but if we don't have the right people around us...

In my first year on Pais, I was put on a team with two other boys who could not have been more different from me. I was pretty convinced it was a set up and after a day or so someone would come out and say "SURPRISE" and reveal my actual team to me.

But no one did.

And I think I've come to the place where I am glad they didn't.

There are challenges, conversations, prayers to God, situations that I went through in that first year that without the team I had, I would have never experienced. I was forced to grow and adapt in a way I wouldn't have chosen, but has shaped me into the woman I am today. There are apprentices on Pais that I can guide and encourage because I've been where they have been.

That team, those boys, those people shaped me into what I am today.

I wasn't better off alone.

Who has God arranged for you to be sat next to on the plane?? Nothing is by chance.

People help shape our lives...