Losing

My babes are sleeping, but I cannot

I feel as if I live in this place of constant frustration

Of constant wrestling between two polar opposites

Of constant emotional battle where I never win

I know the unconditional love of Father God, his forgiveness and blessings

Yet my Bible remains so often unread, its life-giving words shut off to my heart

I stare at my beautiful baby girl, eyes bright with wonder and joy, loving my time with her

But haunted repeatedly by news stories, fears and worries, that any moment the enemy could snatch her away from me

Enjoying the freedom of staying at home with my princess, wondering about serving in the community, training so I my photos would pay

Yet wondering if it is mere whimsy, an idyllic life far from my reach, and I need to grasp the financial stability of returning to the formal grind of my previous work

Having the low-key, no worries option of renting, and knowing that my home doesn’t define me

But plagued by seeing more and more friends on property ladder, and wondering if we will ever climb its rungs

My heart cries out to write and write, and dreams of a future, a career, inspiring with pen, bringing life with words

Yet it seems just that, a dream so far away, a joy that can’t rise to the surface on long busy days.

Buts and Yets stutter my growth

As an adult

As a wife

As a mother

They stop me from enjoying where I am

And the future looms its dark cloud over me

I remain restless

I feel exhausted

I wonder if it will change at all

Or am I resigned to a life that just feels this torn

In the losing middle of tug-of-war

Why can’t I be satisfied and just enjoy where I am, who I am?

When will I fully understand,

It is what it is?

When will I rest?

When will I win?

Release

Completely wiped from travelling but decided that I have to really press in and push in my writing, regardless of what is happening and how I feel…

there is release in my writing, release from the jumbled thoughts that don’t get out during the day

words that others can’t hear, words that I haven’t fully processed

release from thinking that I am crazy and no one feels the same way about things as I do

release from shouting above the crowds to be heard

release to not put on constraints or align with someone else

release to speak out the things that Father is pressing on me

I feel pressed right now.

Pressed with so much, so many thoughts going on, so much planning

And planning leads to worry

Because as I plan

I place expectations

Expectations of how things are going to work out

Expectations of how I will be, you will be, others will be

Expectations

That when shattered

Shatter a part of me

5.9 Richter scale

reminiscent of time in Nicaragua

where all was fine

and then all was shaken

ending unknown

panic gripped

fear took over

and now I worry

what will I eat

what will I wear

what will be my home

what will my “career” be

and I know you Father God

take care of the birds in the air

and I am person

made from your image

you delight in me

love overwhelming

hold future that seems so unclear and distant

in tiny cell of steady hand palm

yet nothing lifts the worry

Do I really know you?

For you are love and perfect love casts out all fear and so in the knowing of you, I know love and therefore I know

No fear

Yet fear and I walk hand in hand

On-again, off-again lovers

Who cannot be prized apart

Do I really trust you?

Do I really take your word and implant it not just in my head, but within the steely depths of my heart and keep it there safe so that it isn’t just words, it is who I am, it is me, it is my belief?

I can see you in others

And bring words of comfort to them

And show them you

In your fullness of glory

But is it really your fullness

If I am not full of you?

Depth

Depth

Contrary to popular belief

And Black folklore

I can swim.

Second to top group at school swim class

Several badges

Including water proficiency

I even know how to ‘scull’

But I don’t usually enjoy the water

The hair is definitely a factor

Again,

I don’t want to play the black card

But

I don’t have white hair.

It won’t dry neatly after 20 minutes in the sun.

I don’t wash my hair daily.

It is a 2 hour effort.

Minimum.

Today I have had the conditioning treatment in my hair for two hours,

Just for an extra shine.

But even when I plan ahead,

Prepare an evening to wash my hair,

Jump in pool full pelt and get my hair wet…

I don’t usually enjoy the water

The phobia is not aqua,

Nor is it hydro.

It is Bath.

Bathophobia.

Fear of depth

Or fear of being

Out

of my depth

The desperate treading water

Delayed speech

Respiratory system desperate to grasp air

And though it surrounds

It is out of reach

When you drown

You cannot wave for help

For instinct drives arms down

Movements become involuntary

A cry for help is silently inside the head

And this fear extends beyond the water

It overflows

Leaving me sinking like the titanic

In various areas of

My fear laden life

Fear panics me about

Being a mother, Succeeding in the future, Having a long marriage, Getting picked to be friend’s bridesmaids, The youth I lead living great lives, People really liking me, Having enough finances, Finding a great place to live…

…Following the heart of God.

And in my desperation

To be in my depth

To keep my head above water

To stay afloat within my shallow capacity

In my desperation to eliminate fear

From the confines, eradicate it

From the borders of my existence

But when submerged

Embracing depth

Head under water

New world I see

Capabilities realised

True life

found

greeted

grasped

Ariel’s cry to walk on land

Be comfortable

Be civilised

Be a “real” human

Not realising

The depths she had still to learn

under the water.

Under the water

Diving in fully

Releasing thr control

For I cannot control it all

Kicking out the crutch

The fake friend

That fear as pretended to be

The friend that said it would protect me

But in fact

You hindered me

You stunted my growth

Causing me

To live with armbands

Floaties restriction

Incognisant of the fact

I could swim for miles

Fear

No longer will your weeds wrap

Force me into the shallow

When my heart calls out

Deep

Unto

Deep.

Emergency

S&S Babysitting inc. is in high season, with overnight watching while parents are away seeming to the be the most popular request of April. A few weekends ago, while supervising three teens, their mother got the call no one wants to get:

“Hello Ma’am, this is Dalworthington Gardens Police Department…”

Heart sinks.

Face drains of all colour.

A thousand tragic situations race through your mind before you decide on a combination of the three worst.

“Your neighbour has caught your dog, it seems she escaped.”

Heart searches safely for a steady beat.

Colour returns.

You prepare the talk on responsibility you will give your kids…and Steve and Sebrina.

At any given time, our whole words could change with that phone call, that email, that message

Of emergency.

Beth Moore describes the three things that can happen to us in an emergency.

Panic.

This is my favourite.

Sheer, unadulterated, woman going crazy and wild.

The “fixers” of us have to find a solution.

And what better solution that seven things all at once.

Chickens who left their heads behind long ago, there is nothing that can control us.

And in this crazy madness

We do

The

Wrong

Thing.

Our panic results in us completely losing the plot, the sense, and hands raised up in the air, all that we held onto is strewn across the sky.

All is ruined.

Paralysed.

Frozen to the spot, the news cripples us with sad results.

Everything stops.

We hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing.

Numb to action, wading in inaction.

Confined by a wheelchair of fear and dread, completely unable to cope.

You stop. And you cannot move.

The tears fall but no hand can rise to wipe them.

You are stuck.

All is still.

When I think about emergencies, I am reminded of Ann Voskamp (www.aholyexperience.com) who says in her “joyful parenting” manifesto:

“Today, I will not have any emergencies.

There are no emergencies!

Only amateurs hurry.”

No emergencies?

What a preposterous thought!

There is always something to panic/be paralyzed over!

There is always something to worry about!

There is always something unexpected that comes up!

There is always.

It is always.

The torrent of life.

The rushing waterfall of pressure.

The never-ending list.

No day will come with nothing to do but sit still.

Each day has something for us. Something good. But something challenging.

“911 what is your emergency?”

“I need help with my math homework!”

“I didn’t get the food “my way” at the restaurant!”

“My son won’t clean his messy bedroom!”

“My boyfriend won’t propose to me!”

All genuine 911 calls.

All genuine emergencies to those people.

What today feels like a genuine emergency, but tomorrow will be the laugh among you and your friends?

Oh, this temporary world, where so much is fading away, tricks us time and time again into believing that what we are seeing and experiencing right now is all there really is.

But when we take the time.

Take time.

Pray.

That moment of silence, where I seem paralyzed, but my stillness allows something greater to move into action

That moment where my panic draws me to the only place I can really gain strength and help.

The emergency fades.

The sirens stop blaring.

And I see it for what it is.

A temporary problem that will not defeat me today.

A temporary problem that will attempt to steal my joy.

A temporary problem that is simply that.

No.

There will be no emergencies today.