Depth
Contrary to popular belief
And Black folklore
I can swim.
Second to top group at school swim class
Several badges
Including water proficiency
I even know how to ‘scull’
But I don’t usually enjoy the water
The hair is definitely a factor
Again,
I don’t want to play the black card
But
I don’t have white hair.
It won’t dry neatly after 20 minutes in the sun.
I don’t wash my hair daily.
It is a 2 hour effort.
Minimum.
Today I have had the conditioning treatment in my hair for two hours,
Just for an extra shine.
But even when I plan ahead,
Prepare an evening to wash my hair,
Jump in pool full pelt and get my hair wet…
I don’t usually enjoy the water
The phobia is not aqua,
Nor is it hydro.
It is Bath.
Bathophobia.
Fear of depth
Or fear of being
Out
of my depth
The desperate treading water
Delayed speech
Respiratory system desperate to grasp air
And though it surrounds
It is out of reach
When you drown
You cannot wave for help
For instinct drives arms down
Movements become involuntary
A cry for help is silently inside the head
And this fear extends beyond the water
It overflows
Leaving me sinking like the titanic
In various areas of
My fear laden life
Fear panics me about
Being a mother, Succeeding in the future, Having a long marriage, Getting picked to be friend’s bridesmaids, The youth I lead living great lives, People really liking me, Having enough finances, Finding a great place to live…
…Following the heart of God.
And in my desperation
To be in my depth
To keep my head above water
To stay afloat within my shallow capacity
In my desperation to eliminate fear
From the confines, eradicate it
From the borders of my existence
But when submerged
Embracing depth
Head under water
New world I see
Capabilities realised
True life
found
greeted
grasped
Ariel’s cry to walk on land
Be comfortable
Be civilised
Be a “real” human
Not realising
The depths she had still to learn
under the water.
Under the water
Diving in fully
Releasing thr control
For I cannot control it all
Kicking out the crutch
The fake friend
That fear as pretended to be
The friend that said it would protect me
But in fact
You hindered me
You stunted my growth
Causing me
To live with armbands
Floaties restriction
Incognisant of the fact
I could swim for miles
Fear
No longer will your weeds wrap
Force me into the shallow
When my heart calls out
Deep
Unto
Deep.
