Natural

Last December

A seed was sown

A journey began

A new life started

As tiny Zella grew from plum to mango to watermelon then out

Another growth coincided

Changing me from the outside in

I remember the day

Two months short of my 13^th birthday

My mum, aunt and godmother

Gathered busily in the bathroom

Reading box instructions intently

It was my time

My coming of age:

My first relaxer.

 

For those not versed in afro-politics

And wondering why so much fuss

What the big deal is

Relaxers take those tight, dark, young girl curls

And stretch them into

Straight “big woman” tresses

I looked in the mirrored eyes of straight haired me

And I felt beautiful

Gone, now, were the days of sitting betweenmy mother or grandmothers legs

With comb tugging and pulling resistant curls in intricate plaits

I was now in control

And would have hair like all my other lighter-skinned friends

Who wash and go’d in the mornings

Dutifully I did my time in the hairdresser's seat

The 2, 3, 4 hour process

Of white thick cream

Waiting for the burn

But letting it soak in some more

so that it was super straight

And although I had

bad reactions

burns and bumps

patches that didn’t grow

and awful breakage that robbed half the back of my head of growth

like a dog returning to its vomit

so was my foolishness in going back

For me

It was the only way to be pretty

Sold a lie by

Beyonce

Oprah

Janet

Tyra

That to fit into culture

I had to tame my mane

I took out the essence of my hair

And lost more of the essence of myself

As pregnancy hormones dictates

I gave up the “creamy crack”

Letting the natural roots grow out

And as my baby grew inside of me

And I excitedly wondered about the beautiful curls

that would no doubt come

I looked at my straightened ends

And wondered if I’d ever be able to look them in the eye

How would I encourage them to be natural

To love their own body

To be comfortable in their own skin

To marvel at their God-given wonder

If I was suppressing my own?

When precious babe was revealed as precious girl

Faced with the female perils

Of low self esteem and insecurity

I realised that if I wanted her to be confident in just who she was

Born just perfect

Then I needed to show her me

Just the way I was born

Just perfect

There is this wonder

With afro hair

And its curls and twist

Braids and locks

That makes it unique

And daily I now embrace

And so it grows

The afro puff

The 4c curls

My old hidden now rediscovered healthy mane

Surprisingly more upkeep

Surprisingly educating

Surprisingly freeing

Depth

Depth

Contrary to popular belief

And Black folklore

I can swim.

Second to top group at school swim class

Several badges

Including water proficiency

I even know how to ‘scull’

But I don’t usually enjoy the water

The hair is definitely a factor

Again,

I don’t want to play the black card

But

I don’t have white hair.

It won’t dry neatly after 20 minutes in the sun.

I don’t wash my hair daily.

It is a 2 hour effort.

Minimum.

Today I have had the conditioning treatment in my hair for two hours,

Just for an extra shine.

But even when I plan ahead,

Prepare an evening to wash my hair,

Jump in pool full pelt and get my hair wet…

I don’t usually enjoy the water

The phobia is not aqua,

Nor is it hydro.

It is Bath.

Bathophobia.

Fear of depth

Or fear of being

Out

of my depth

The desperate treading water

Delayed speech

Respiratory system desperate to grasp air

And though it surrounds

It is out of reach

When you drown

You cannot wave for help

For instinct drives arms down

Movements become involuntary

A cry for help is silently inside the head

And this fear extends beyond the water

It overflows

Leaving me sinking like the titanic

In various areas of

My fear laden life

Fear panics me about

Being a mother, Succeeding in the future, Having a long marriage, Getting picked to be friend’s bridesmaids, The youth I lead living great lives, People really liking me, Having enough finances, Finding a great place to live…

…Following the heart of God.

And in my desperation

To be in my depth

To keep my head above water

To stay afloat within my shallow capacity

In my desperation to eliminate fear

From the confines, eradicate it

From the borders of my existence

But when submerged

Embracing depth

Head under water

New world I see

Capabilities realised

True life

found

greeted

grasped

Ariel’s cry to walk on land

Be comfortable

Be civilised

Be a “real” human

Not realising

The depths she had still to learn

under the water.

Under the water

Diving in fully

Releasing thr control

For I cannot control it all

Kicking out the crutch

The fake friend

That fear as pretended to be

The friend that said it would protect me

But in fact

You hindered me

You stunted my growth

Causing me

To live with armbands

Floaties restriction

Incognisant of the fact

I could swim for miles

Fear

No longer will your weeds wrap

Force me into the shallow

When my heart calls out

Deep

Unto

Deep.