Monday, August 29, 2011

Next Step


Notes have been lacking throughout the month of August due to being in San Antonio for three weeks, and then Colorado for a week for Pais Training. It's a hard life, really it is. 
My last note, Ahead, spoke of my conversation with Father God to step back from planning for our future in England (housing, jobs, courses, finances) and concentrate on pouring into the apprentices and leaders on Pais. 
Ten days ago, I received an email from my mother who somehow had found online an opportunity to get paid to do a masters in social work (the qualification I have been seeking to get) in 18 months (rather than 24 months) and start in February (rather than September next year).

A chance had fallen into my lap without me even trying and Father God once again confirmed that He sees everything and is ordering everything.
And He does a better job than I do.
Somehow, amongst all the craziness, training and flights, I managed to complete the application and today sent it off!!



Thanks to you for all your words of encouragement!!
Thanks to professional advice from many but especially Anna, Dave, Luke, Nikki and Debs!!

I am excited to see how this all works out. In September they contact all the people who haven't made it through to the Assessment Centre/Interview stage. So I am hoping to hear from someone in October to say I have made it through!! 

I will still be applying for the traditional masters course next month, but I am hopeful that this is a door that Father God has opened for me to step through. If not, all it has done is increased by drive and passion for social work and making an impact on the community. 

For now, I will leave you with my personal statement from my application. 
There may be grammtical errors, things you would change or things you don't like about it. 
My mother always said, if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all. 
And as she told me on the phone today as I told her I had submitted it, "All we can do is pray. What is done, is done. It cannot be undone."

----

A love for books and a passion for people led me to study English Literature and Sociology.
I am fascinated by the why’s of social interaction.
I have learnt that the issue is not the issue; what appears to be the reason behind an action, even if verbalised, is often shadowing something deeper within.
My dissertation on Black British culture analysed some of the continued inequalities and struggles faced within our society.
I have used my blog as a medium to inform and inspire on issues such as race, adoption, and relationships.
The last five years spent 5000 miles from family and friends produced resilience and strength to endure in difficult circumstances.
Marriage at just 23 has taught me the value of family and unity, as well as developed maturity that I do not believe I would possess otherwise.
Ten years of involvement in youth and children’s work has cultivated strong communication skills, both written and verbal.
I love speaking to groups of people, particularly females.
My heart breaks over the increased sexualisation of young girls, the rise of teenage pregnancy and body dysmorphia.
Through mentoring of both individuals and groups of girls (some for 3-4years), I have sought to intervene into these unfortunate social trends.
Through The Pais Project, I have learnt to work as a team player in partnership with colleagues, church leaders, and school staff to facilitate lasting change in young peoples lives.
Naturally a speaker, I have slowly learned to listen more and better help those around me.
Friends employed as social workers are all unanimous in communicating the demanding and often exhausting nature of their profession.
Testimonies from the current Step Up cohort are clear in describing isolation and course intensity.
I go into this venture sure of its difficulty, but excited by its potential.
I believe there is always hope…an opportunity for more than we are all living for, and more than we are experiencing right now. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Ahead


Ahead.

In case you hadn’t noticed,
I like to plan.
I like to be organised.
I like to be prepared.
Yes, I frequently find myself late and dashing to an event, hastily running towards something, speeding across town.
But I go with a clipboard of notes in hand.

I want to be ready.

I know bad stuff will happen, things won’t quite work out, things will go wrong
But I will be ready for it.
I will be prepared.

So I’m superhuman mode at the moment.

Last week I:
  • Planned and taught two sessions for two girls in two different grades, to teach them English writing skills
  • Prepared 50-60 word biographies on 20+ speakers teaching at Pais training
  • Finalised the printing and delivery of over 300 items of uniform for Pais training
  • Cooked dinner and dad a girls sleepover (Mean Girls was included and two were vegetarian so I had to learn how to cook tofu)
  • Finishing editing pictures from Treslyn’s birthday, graduation and baptism
  • Editing some additional newborn baby photos for a friend
  • Taught a session to 12 year olds on ‘Girl vs. Girl Crime’ (i.e. Gossip and bullying)
  • Helped promote the book launch of ‘The Cloud and the Line’ and was at two events selling books
  • Preparing three talks for Foundational Training (Adjusting to a new culture, Creative ministry and The Kingdom Principle of ‘Humbling and Exalting’)
  • Planning my preach for Lakehouse Church (August 28th) on ‘Arlington: A Certain Place’
  • Grocery Shopping
  • Packing for four weeks away from home
  • Tidying my house


I tried to wash and go to the toilet too. 


So here we are facing four weeks of training (three in San Antonio, and one in Monument, Colorado)…and three weeks after that we will leave our apartment in Arlington, for a new unknown home in Birmingham. There is so very much to do.

But I have to let go.

I can’t do everything.

I can’t put 100% into training and simultaneously plan and prepare all that needs to be done for England.
I just can’t.
Even if I don’t wash or go to the toilet.

Sometimes, you have to look at what is laid before you, and just do the next thing.

Father’s words etch into me:
“Be still and know that I am God”

The song writers interpretation stands firm:
“When the oceans rise, and thunders roar // I will soar with you, above the storm // Father you are King over the storm // I will be still and know you are God.

Right now, Foundational Training needs my attention.
Foundational Training needs the best sessions I have to offer.
Steve needs me to assist and help in any and every way.
Leaders need my support and help.
New apprentices need my bubbly personality to help them settle in.
Hopefully no one will need my shoulder to cry on, but I will have tissues ready just in case.

I am believing and trusting in Father God for all the numerous things that are too long to list that we need in the time training.

I am choosing to be still in those areas.

And in my stillness, Father God will work.

He, Jehovah Jireh
the Lord God who provides
whose name is inscribed in our wedding rings
will work.

He will work on our behalf and organise that which needs to be sorted.

He will go ahead of us.

The verse continues to say:

“Be still and Know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

God will be glorified in all of our future plans.

I know that when everything all falls into place with houses and jobs and everything else, that we will know that it didn’t happen because of our striving.

It happened because of Him.

“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provision. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.

 God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”



-----

{verses taken from: Psalm 46:10; Matthew:32-33}

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Course


Course

We like quick fix
Fast
Drive thru’
Microwave
Instant
Speedy
Abbrv.

We want solutions
Answers
Action
Change
Difference

But yet can’t embrace process
Method
Time
Patience

We dig for secrets
Shortcut
Hidden
Loophole

Slam head against dead end.

Before you, us, all
Is a path
Road
Pilgrimage
Journey

It will finish when it is supposed to
The long adoption
The long job wait
The long period of singleness
The long feeling of grief
The long time ‘til moving
The long volunteer work experience
The long disease
The long uncertainty

“I will run the course of your commandments
You shall enlarge my heart.”

As I endure this
My heart grows
Learns
Responds
Adapts
Pursues

More of that which I am in need of

I am changed.
Course end reveals
Cocoon shell
Empty
No longer harbouring the old self
But new flying free
New large heart
Full with lesson learnt
And I learn to like it slow.

If I go too fast
Who knows what I might miss.



Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Him & him

So yesterday caused much ruckus
Amongst dating and married couples alike
A hated target amongst other wives
As their husbands declared
They too wanted
A white metal object of joy


My heart delighted
Too much in the deceit
And sneakiness
Of months of secret saving
To provide the “whoop whoop bird”
Something to truly
Make a noise about

But my heart delighted too
In the sacrifice
Of me not being the front
For behind the camera
I, like you, merely watch
In wonder at another’s joy

Was sacrifice worth
Not having Fossil purse
Or lack of TOMS wedges
Was sacrifice worth
More of him and
Less of
me?

Is sacrifice worth making vow
To say I will submit
And follow you
Not rearing ugly domineering head
But letting you lead
Knowing you have my interest
Best interest
Safely in your heart?

And when others
Even royals
Omit obey
Is sacrifice worth
Being the only one
To take words
In humble pie
Willing to say
I don’t know it all
I am often wrong
Two minds
Better than one alone
I will listen
And follow you

And as this horizontal
Same level relationship
Grows
Seeking to lift the other
And not all about self
It spurs me on in my worship of
Him
The one that it matters most about.
The one whose ways I ultimately
Submit to
For they are higher than mine
Wiser than mine

Can we put ourselves aside
Casting down pride
Willing to be less
So that others may be more?






Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sick



I am not sick.
Scratchy throat.
Mucus overflowing.
Congested eyes.
Kleenex empty.
Orange juice overdose.
All a mere coincidence
Because
I am not sick.

Why do I not want to be “sick”?

Because to be sick
would mean to take
medicine
to a take a tablet that says
condescendingly with little blue face:
“There is something wrong with you;
you need to be fixed.”

The shame of feeling wrong
Being incomplete
Not 100%

The stigma of not being all put together
The pity eyes that say
“Hope you feel better soon”

I am not sick

Because I don’t want to be vulnerable.
I don’t want to be weak
Not strong enough
For the callings of day-to-day existence
When millions of others
Handle same situations
Just fine
But I cannot.

And that brings me shame.

I am not sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I can’t be sick.

And because I refuse to take on the sickness
Confess the ill
Own the weakness
Admit my lacking

I will not be healed. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Last

Arlington, Texas
My home for five years

Yesterday I got on a plane to you
For the last time that I know of

This is our last summer together

When we first met, the sun so bright and warm at 8pm
After invasive immigration “welcome”
You lavishness welcomed me as I settled into my pool house
My first experience of life behind gates
My British charm delightful
Until the second day came
when I called my host’s adult son
 a smart ass
And I realised your language is different
And I have a potty mouth.

I wondered whether I would fit
In within your
Redneck ways
And cowboy hats

But there is so much more to you than
The show ‘Dallas’ portrays

Arlington you were the place
I learnt
Really learnt
Youth ministry
Learnt it’s significance
Learnt that it makes my heart beat
Learnt that mediocrity doesn’t pay the bills
And doesn’t save souls

Learnt to delegate
Let go
Not control
And grow others

Learnt how hard
Yet beautiful it is
To create family
Family that loves Father

Learnt that consumerism
Is in the church
But authenticity
Brings freedom

Learnt about the journey
The conversation
The adventure in you
Your word
Really knowing and studying your word
And your spirit
In the everyday

And Arlington,
You were the place that comforted me
Wiped tears
In the face of
suicide
breast cancer
homesickness
brain tumours

And most of all
I thank you
For getting me married
And keeping me married
For without the mentors of your city
I know I would be
Another divorce statistic
Or another lonely girl
Unable to trust

The best way to know a city
Is to get lost in it
And now I don’t know where
Arlington ends
And I begin

So I put on my swimsuit
Enjoy your sun
Sip all the Sonic I can

And forget about the tears that will flow
When nine weeks
Is counted down.



Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Holiday

Sometimes
We just need
To slow down

To walk for 2 hours
Conversation with a heart
Like yours
Meander streets
While seeking intentionality
For your life

To wander stores and look
At colours
For creativity
And inspiration
Patterns and brights
That speak and show
Of another way
To look
At this thing
Of earth

To watch the eyes
The doorway to souls
Of strangers passing
Laughing
Living
An existence so unlike
Yet so similar
To your own

To wait
And see
If the Lord will fight
The battles that bring panic
Into the heart
That desires the release

To wait
and see if stillness
Can really produce
Effectiveness

To wait
And see
The friends whose faces
Have slight wrinkles from
Months more life lived
But whose faces big smile
Have not forgotten yours

To wait
And see
And taste
And see
That God
You are so very very good

And as I take the time
To really see
Holiday can be found on a beach
But also in a city
A graduation
A store
Or a home

Because holiday
That rest
The peace
Is found
continually
unconditionally
constantly
In my Father.