Flat Stanley

My head awash with the stress of this life

Why is it…

Why all these things

Decisions

Pains

All at the same time

You poke your head out of my bag

And smile

Your static arms

Fixed position

A stable constant

In this world every changing

Your lighthearted ways bring comfort through this

Heavy yoke

Burden unrelenting

With you

Everyday

I find beauty

New

The things I looked at a million times

Are fresh with your eyes

Dinners become gourmet dishes

Buses become extravagant transport

Houses become terraced palaces

I capture the simple

I marvel in the ordinary

I see your work Father in every little detail

In one hand I take sickness

Emotional distress

Secret hurts

Stressful futures

Perplexing decisions

But in the other I take your joy

Words you speak to me through others

Food that I didn’t even know was in the house

Baggy clothes that smell of a husband far away

The chance to help friends learn Facebook

I see the hope

Not in the future

But in right now

The hundreds upon thousands of gifts before me

Piled high

But seemingly hidden behind piles of mud, dirt and grime

Distraction

Obstacles

A wall that must be broken down

I hold Flat Stanley’s tiny hand

Raising him high to capture the moment

His adventure makes me smile

Reminding me

Of my adventure

My journey

The process

I want to skip forward

Race through all this angst

But Stanley says that there is something in this moment for me to know

Relish

Learn from

Savour

There is something in each moment

That I cannot miss

That through the tear-speckled eyes I must blink to see to

The gift

My gifts

That are new every morning

Fyneas

Our community recently welcomed a beautiful boy:

Fyneas Wyn Powell

I remember fondly the New Orleans Mission trip Hannah Powell & I were on when she whispered that her and Matt were trying for baby # 3.

A few weeks later, as they announced their pregnancy (amidst a sea of horrific morning sickness), I mused on how Hannah was probably expectant as we talked…and how I had tirelessly worked a woman, laden with child.

Always keen to help, Steve and I volunteered to be on “kid duty”, babysitting Rhys & Carys when Hannah went into labour. Excitement filled my heart when my phone flashed up with Hannah’s name…when we heard news that she was 2, 4, 6 centimetres dilated…and then when Matt called and said:

“He is here.”

We raced the siblings to the hospital to see their new addition, marvelling at the excitement and blessing of new life.

To our surprise we were offered to hold Fyneas, trusted with this new life at such a young and fragile age. 

As Steve cradled him in his arms, he asked what time he had been born. 

The child in his arms was not even an hour old.

Someone asked later how Steve had ended up holding the baby so early on in its life.

I wondered the same question.

Yes I know I am married to him, but that makes me even more aware his skills. Of how he changed his first nappy (diaper) only 18 months ago and has seldom changed any since. Of how part of our honeymoon was spent with me explaining what a toilet brush was.

I am literally fearful of the day someone asks him to cut the umbilical cord between our child and me. I am certain my screams will be louder than the baby’s.  

Hannah words spoke wisely as to why she allowed Steve to hold the baby so early on:

“I think he needed to.”

At this time, when life seems so cruel and disease-ridden, Steve needed to see the other side.

How beautiful life is.

The potential of a lifetime held preciously in his arms.

The tininess of a body, perfectly formed.

The sheer dependency and expectancy of life.

The intricate construction of a foetus.

A Bump ever-growing underneath a loose shirt

Now a fully-fledged, alive, human.

The joy that comes in the beginning, when it feels as though time stands still for a minute, as even the angels marvel at the joy of the new.

Here.

Born.

Alive.

One of my besties, Freya, has been a great support through this time. One of the most affirming factors has been her continual talk of the cyclical nature of humanity.

A new life screams its arrival into the worlds as another, maybe just a few rooms away, closes their eyes for the very last time.

As cancer continues to try and grip Steve’s dad, his daughter Joy swells with the anticipation of a second born. 

This cycle continues, repeats, renews, every minute.

As Steve and I have openly talked of our plans to adopt, many have asked if we intend to have children of our “own” as well.

As I held Fyneas on Day 1, Day 2 and Day 4 (if I hadn’t been catching the plane to England, I think the Powell’s would have thrown me out of their house), there was a time on Day 4 I just didn’t want to let go.

His 8lb body next to my chest.

His sweetly swaddled body.

His gentle, peaceful reliance and vulnerability.

I could have sat there for a lifetime.

If Hannah had said, “You can have him” or “I can’t look after him any more”, I would have carried him out and loved him as my own, opening his eyes to the wonder of jerk chicken, America’s next top model, street dance and a remorseless competitive spirit. 

The grades of the children I help home school have been great, and one loves me helping her to study for tests, with my mix of press-ups and high fives as punishment and rewards.

In England I got an email saying she had 100 on a test and my heart leaped:

“My kid got 100%!!”

Our life is a revolving door of children and teens running into our arms, hugging & kissing, texting and calling. As I prepare for this year’s graduation, I am reminded that these seniors were just 8^th grade when I arrived in America.

“My babies are graduating high school.”

In our marriage statement we commited:

“…providing a loving and God-centred environment for all those who enter our home and our lives!!”

Whatever is placed before us, whatever is put into our hands, whatever we are entrusted with

Will.

Be.

Our.

Own.

And if the whole world belongs to Father God, if he is the author and creator of all, is anything “our own” to begin with, even if it comes from my womb?

As we saw numerous people at the !dea Camp comment upon and live out the journey of life with a child who has special needs, I felt that would be, for us, a step too far.

Something we couldn’t handle.

Something we don’t have the ability to handle.

Yet when recently we spent an afternoon looking after such a child, amidst the feeding tubes, limited speech and ankle injury, Steve remarked afterwards that he loved that time and his heart was opened to welcoming that kind of child into our home, if that’s how we were led.

Some may look at us as naïve 20 something’s.

Unaware of the full magnitude of all the things that we talk of.

Caught up in a fad.

And I accept these opinions.

Maybe even agree a little with some.

But know that there is one thing

A thing we

Embrace

Love

Fully understand

Are not naïve about

The sacred, precious, fragility

of Life.

And we seek to uphold that in all what we do.  

We will be naïve

Lacking worldly experience and understanding

Simple and guiless

Unsuspecting and credulous

Because people who are

Not burned by the hardness of this world

Unscathed by the expectations of others

Not settled into a predefined box

Step forward in an unrestrained freedom

Believing Father God can do great things.

Who knows what lives may be changed as a result.

 

Legacy

This time with Steve’s dad is a bittersweet one.

We all know that our time on earth is relatively short,

somewhere between 80-100 years if we are fortunate.

So in a sense,

we are all dying,

each day a day closer to meeting our maker

But sickness has a way of bringing that to the forefront

Of putting the fragility of life right in our face

Brian & Ruth, through this past autumn, winter and now into spring

Have remained ever trusting in Father God

Faithfully reading His word daily

Relying on revelation by His holy spirit for a word to speak directly into their situation

They have not been failed by our God.

And Steve and I follow suit

Desperate clinging to Father

Asking Him to speak into this beautiful mess

This sweet

yet painful

Time

Daily reading, seeking, wanting a word...

This week I read of a king, rich materially, who was visited by those from an enemy state. He naively welcomes the adversary messengers sent to “wish him well” following his illness. Arrogantly, he tours them through his silver, gold, expensive oils, weapons and such, hiding nothing from their peering eyes.

He exposed himself to his foe.

A prophet (the spiritual equivalent of a psychic) comes along, shocked that he left nothing hidden from them and accurately predicts that all this will be taken from their land in the future.

The King has exposed his forthcoming descendents to their foe.

The Kings response:

“But surely nothing bad will happen in my lifetime.

I’ll enjoy peace and stability as long as I live.”

Do we seek wealth and security for just us or our future generations as well?

Do we think of relationships in terms of the offspring we will produce? Do we consider whether this will be a good union for them?

Do we look after our plot of land right now, or seek to create something sustainable for those to come?

Is only our country of matter, or do we look further afield to sow a seed?

When the photo albums of us are looked back on,

will the page turn swiftly

Hastily

When it comes to our picture?

Or will time be spent

Stroking our face tenderly

Reflecting on the love that was left behind

To a generation that never knew the sound of our voice?

We have no idea of the strength of this disease on Brian’s body

But we know of the strength

Impact

Legacy

Of his life on our future generations

His courage

Leadership

Hospitality

Compassion

Embarrassing anecdotes of Steve

These will live on far beyond his life

They will echo into the eternity of our family

They will be heard 

loudly

And embraced 

dearly

And peace and stability will endure,

long after his lifetime.

Chandler

Christmas 2008: Steve sees the “Friends Complete Series 1-10” on sale for £50 and wants to buy it. Sebrina tells him that it will be cheaper in America.

January 2009 – November 2009:  Sebrina spends eleven months trying to find as good a bargain but fails miserably and vows to buy it in England whatever the cost.

Christmas 2009: Sebrina buys the box set for Steve for £40. Steve is very happy.

January 2010: Steve and Sebrina think it will be fun to try and watch the entire box set in a year.

Somewhere in 2010: S&S feel challenged that they never made a decision to read the Bible in the year, so stop the militancy with which they were watching Friends.

We love the relationship between Chandler and Monica because at times it feels so much like ours.

The friends where everything changed overnight.

The seemingly clashing personalities that compliment each other perfectly.

The way they are so open in their relationship dysfunctions.

Their intense competitive nature.

One of our favourite episodes is where they marry, not least because there is so much that seems to occur to put a spanner in the works.

Chandler, overwhelmed by the commitment entailed to get married, runs away, paralysed by the fear and magnitude of the situation. When Ross (best friend & Monica’s brother) gets him to come back, he does so by encouraging him in stages.

Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Well yeah, but then…

Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?

---

Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that.

Right now, for me, Father God is Ross.

He is saying “Let’s just take it a little bit at a time.”

Everything is up in the air.

We step on a plane on Sunday afternoon, knowing that Steve’s dad’s condition is worsening. And we need to appreciate every moment we have with him.

Fear & worry fill our hearts.

Responsibility kicks in, knowing we have commitments in America, but also commitments to our family. We want to be all things, to everyone, and do everything. But we can’t.

We have to make decisions on our apartment lease, which, if we make the wrong ones, could see us “homeless” or spending several hundred more than we are right now.

There are short term and long-term decisions to be made about where we will live. Where we will have children. When we will have children.

It all appears overwhelming and far more than I am able to cope with.

A forest of madness lays before us, seemingly wanting to entrap us, stop us from doing anything well.

Stopping us from living the full abundant life we know Father has for us.

But yet I hear Him, interrupt me,

Interrupt my scariness,

Interrupt my fear,

Interrupt my anxiety and frustrations and nervousness

And say, “Just do the next little bit.”

That’s all I am called to do.

The next little bit.

And as I take that step, the next thing will come along.

Chandler got married. He had to face that.

I too, alongside my husband, will have to face every bit of the aforementioned heinous list.

But face it I will.

And it will be Ok.

I believe it has the potential to be more than Ok.

I believe Father God works all things for the good of those who love Him.

I believe Father God tells me I am more than an overcomer in Him.

I believe Father God hems me in, and goes before me.

I believe Father God sticks to me like glue.

At the Hagan’s house this evening, where we gathered to pray with both Ron & Karla, and their three beautiful children, I found this on the living room table:

We will dismiss the fact that applesauce, a gross puree of crushed apples, was once held inside this squidgy tube and digested as a wholesome snack, and simply focus on the name:

GoGosqueeZ

This is what Father God calls me to.

Go – Get on that plane, face your fears, step into the unknown and scary

Go – Be alongside your husband in this. Wipe his tears. Mix them with yours. Remain one.

squeeZ – squeeze tight to my hand, there is a hard road ahead of you and you will need to be holding on for dear, precious life, but I will not let you go.  

He says:

“I’ve picked you.

I haven’t dropped you.

Don’t panic. I’m with you.

There’s no need to fear, for I’m your God.”

These are the words, of the fearful little petrified girl, just like Chandler, that uses awkward jokes to stop emotionally connecting with situations.

The little girl who knows, somewhere deep inside her, that things will be alright.

That Father God is in control.

Breath

I can’t live in you

I can sustain myself

In you

You have nothing for me it seems

Mr. Moment.

There is so much to do

The rush of the days chores and activities

From one activity to the

Next

Like a chain smoker

Barely stubbed up out

I light up the next

Addicted to the adrenaline of a life on the run

Unaware that the smoke is slowly

Wrapping its dirty smog arms around

My lungs as I strain

To even take in

I don’t think I even know what its like to not feel this way

Struggling

Grasping

My mind runs to the future

The trendy loft apartment

Got on a bargain

Conceiving place of the

Newborn I cradle in my arms

As the others run around screaming

“Madea” as my mother helps me in my chaos

steve home from work chases kids around the house

and discusses out latest travel plans

another plane ride awaits us

so much more of the globe to view

lunch with my girlfriends

as we discuss my book tour, job promotions

laughing at the times we were young

and poor

then she

my mind

runs back

back to the moments that won’t be forgotten no matter

how hard

I try they still stay vivid

The regrets of how I struggled so much with knowing me

Who I was

In middle school, high

School days a tear filled blur

Of discomfort within my skin

The unspoken words at college

Was I really the influence I wanted to be?

Did I speak the truth when I was supposed to

Have I done enough?

Will I do enough?

Am I doing

Enough?

But no time to think through this

With so much to do

See

Fear.

Oh Mr. Moment

I want to go on a date

Where I soak in your presence like fine wine at a meal

And I listen and absorb

Tipsy in your presence

As I’ve so fully drunk it in

I want to sit in the sun

And listen

And not stop listening

No matter how hard the rain falls later

I think I can’t catch up with you Mr. Moment

You seem to me to be running away

So very fast

But you tell me:

“In your ignorance, you have lapped me

You are the hare

You resent the tortoise

Even though he was victorious.

In your arrogance you run and rage and battle against me

You dream of a date

A sit down meal with me

But its lustful fancy

Your actions tell me so”

And so I miss

Date after date

Enjoying your company

Long chats

Deep rests

And smoke chokes me

Stops me from breathing.

Why can’t I just live right now

Simply with you

Mr. Moment?

!dea Camp - Preemptive Orphan Care and Development

These notes are from what was for the me the real "out of the box" sessions...creative ideas that hit to the heart of the orphan crisis internationally and made me realise that by meeting so many other needs, we preemptively stop there being more orphans. 

--------

COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT

// Work to rebuild communities so that the children there can have a greater quality of life

// One family, who had adopted two children from Ethiopia, decided that they wanted to give back to the beautiful country that gave them two beautiful children

// This family are raise funds to transform the village - 27 water points, 3 school buildings, a library, a health clinic, and vet clinic as well as a bridge for the village of 6000.

//We need to think long term in transformational development

// Women in community desire to take care of these children – child sponsorship enables this to happen

SUSTAINABILITY

// When elder children age out of foster care, they are simply given money and sent out, creating crisis in their lives with no one to guide them

- They need to be taught money management, employment skills and how to find opportunities for themselves

// Don’t just give money, but provide opportunities for people in developing nations to work

// You cannot start something and then back out in a few years time – partnering with the local church is the only way for this to happen

AGRICULTURE

// Agriculture is important as we need to produce as much food in the next 40 years as we have produced in the past 8000 years because of the way the world has been changing in food consumption

// Approximately 1 billion suffer from chronic hunger – many of these are farmers

// The greatest limitation is access to resources – farmers need to be helped to develop and use relevant technology

// Sustainability and creating revenue is key to help build a model so that things can continue to grow.

// The need isn’t to help grow, but to create an actual liveable earning and economic model with added value

INTERNATIONAL CHURCHES

Note: An Ethiopian national who works with orphans delivered this talk

// The local church in a foreign country knows what they need better than a western church

// Get out of the way and let Father God lead

// Be willing to serve another person’s vision

// Use the systems already in place

// Do not get so involved in strategy that you forget narrative

// Family preservation needs to be a priority – this is what the children need.

- Keep with family

- Find adoption into the extended family

- if not family, then adopt into local community, so they can grow and be a productive part of their nation

 // Personal involvement is needed by Westerners (not just money & meeting material needs)

// Ethiopians have no idea on the theology of adoption – they don’t see the need – imagine if they were educated on it?

// Think about transferring the ownership to the churches and enabling them to take over – build their capacity. Help the church to say: “This is my project”.

Any surprises? Ever been guilty of the mentality that "West is Best" in terms of thinking and what you bring to the table to foreign countries? Had you thought about sustainability?