Course

Course

We like quick fix

Fast

Drive thru’

Microwave

Instant

Speedy

Abbrv.

We want solutions

Answers

Action

Change

Difference

But yet can’t embrace process

Method

Time

Patience

We dig for secrets

Shortcut

Hidden

Loophole

Slam head against dead end.

Before you, us, all

Is a path

Road

Pilgrimage

Journey

It will finish when it is supposed to

The long adoption

The long job wait

The long period of singleness

The long feeling of grief

The long time ‘til moving

The long volunteer work experience

The long disease

The long uncertainty

“I will run the course of your commandments

You shall enlarge my heart.”

As I endure this

My heart grows

Learns

Responds

Adapts

Pursues

More of that which I am in need of

I am changed.

Course end reveals

Cocoon shell

Empty

No longer harbouring the old self

But new flying free

New large heart

Full with lesson learnt

And I learn to like it slow.

If I go too fast

Who knows what I might miss.

Him & him

So yesterday caused much ruckus

Amongst dating and married couples alike

A hated target amongst other wives

As their husbands declared

They too wanted

A white metal object of joy

My heart delighted

Too much in the deceit

And sneakiness

Of months of secret saving

To provide the “whoop whoop bird”

Something to truly

Make a noise about

But my heart delighted too

In the sacrifice

Of me not being the front

For behind the camera

I, like you, merely watch

In wonder at another’s joy

Was sacrifice worth

Not having Fossil purse

Or lack of TOMS wedges

Was sacrifice worth

More of him and

Less of

me?

Is sacrifice worth making vow

To say I will submit

And follow you

Not rearing ugly domineering head

But letting you lead

Knowing you have my interest

Best interest

Safely in your heart?

And when others

Even royals

Omit obey

Is sacrifice worth

Being the only one

To take words

In humble pie

Willing to say

I don’t know it all

I am often wrong

Two minds

Better than one alone

I will listen

And follow you

And as this horizontal

Same level relationship

Grows

Seeking to lift the other

And not all about self

It spurs me on in my worship of

Him

The one that it matters most about.

The one whose ways I ultimately

Submit to

For they are higher than mine

Wiser than mine

Can we put ourselves aside

Casting down pride

Willing to be less

So that others may be more?

Sick

I am not sick.

Scratchy throat.

Mucus overflowing.

Congested eyes.

Kleenex empty.

Orange juice overdose.

All a mere coincidence

Because

I am not sick.

Why do I not want to be “sick”?

Because to be sick

would mean to take

medicine

to a take a tablet that says

condescendingly with little blue face:

“There is something wrong with you;

you need to be fixed.”

The shame of feeling wrong

Being incomplete

Not 100%

The stigma of not being all put together

The pity eyes that say

“Hope you feel better soon”

I am not sick

Because I don’t want to be vulnerable.

I don’t want to be weak

Not strong enough

For the callings of day-to-day existence

When millions of others

Handle same situations

Just fine

But I cannot.

And that brings me shame.

I am not sick.

I don’t want to be sick.

I can’t be sick.

And because I refuse to take on the sickness

Confess the ill

Own the weakness

Admit my lacking

I will not be healed. 

Last

Arlington, Texas

My home for five years

Yesterday I got on a plane to you

For the last time that I know of

This is our last summer together

When we first met, the sun so bright and warm at 8pm

After invasive immigration “welcome”

You lavishness welcomed me as I settled into my pool house

My first experience of life behind gates

My British charm delightful

Until the second day came

when I called my host’s adult son

 a smart ass

And I realised your language is different

And I have a potty mouth.

I wondered whether I would fit

In within your

Redneck ways

And cowboy hats

But there is so much more to you than

The show ‘Dallas’ portrays

Arlington you were the place

I learnt

Really learnt

Youth ministry

Learnt it’s significance

Learnt that it makes my heart beat

Learnt that mediocrity doesn’t pay the bills

And doesn’t save souls

Learnt to delegate

Let go

Not control

And grow others

Learnt how hard

Yet beautiful it is

To create family

Family that loves Father

Learnt that consumerism

Is in the church

But authenticity

Brings freedom

Learnt about the journey

The conversation

The adventure in you

Your word

Really knowing and studying your word

And your spirit

In the everyday

And Arlington,

You were the place that comforted me

Wiped tears

In the face of

suicide

breast cancer

homesickness

brain tumours

And most of all

I thank you

For getting me married

And keeping me married

For without the mentors of your city

I know I would be

Another divorce statistic

Or another lonely girl

Unable to trust

The best way to know a city

Is to get lost in it

And now I don’t know where

Arlington ends

And I begin

So I put on my swimsuit

Enjoy your sun

Sip all the Sonic I can

And forget about the tears that will flow

When nine weeks

Is counted down.

Holiday

Sometimes

We just need

To slow down

To walk for 2 hours

Conversation with a heart

Like yours

Meander streets

While seeking intentionality

For your life

To wander stores and look

At colours

For creativity

And inspiration

Patterns and brights

That speak and show

Of another way

To look

At this thing

Of earth

To watch the eyes

The doorway to souls

Of strangers passing

Laughing

Living

An existence so unlike

Yet so similar

To your own

To wait

And see

If the Lord will fight

The battles that bring panic

Into the heart

That desires the release

To wait

and see if stillness

Can really produce

Effectiveness

To wait

And see

The friends whose faces

Have slight wrinkles from

Months more life lived

But whose faces big smile

Have not forgotten yours

To wait

And see

And taste

And see

That God

You are so very very good

And as I take the time

To really see

Holiday can be found on a beach

But also in a city

A graduation

A store

Or a home

Because holiday

That rest

The peace

Is found

continually

unconditionally

constantly

In my Father.