Tock

We stand to attention at its bells

Grudgingly wake up to its alarms

Wait nervously as its hands tick

This wonderfully uncontrollable thing

Silently is in control of us

It comes

To no surprise

That I delight in nothing more

Than sprinting ahead

Of the tocking master

To chase it down

And refuse to let it grab its hands on me

But sometimes

Especially in this time

Time defeats me

By not telling me how long

I must wait

Wait for a job

Wait for a house

Wait for friends

Wait for course answers

Wait for money

Wait for these things

But what am I really waiting for

My heart cries “What time is it Mr Wolf” desperate to run paces ahead

To a sweet victory

And not be devoured

By the dinner time of the enemy

Who lies in wait

For those who would waste the ticking minutes

Pouring over pages of John’s words

I read over and again

It is not yet me time

My time is not come

Brother Jesus seems to enthralled with the

Watching of the clock too

For there is something ahead

That cannot be awaken

Until its due time

What am I waiting for?

Lessons.

For Kingdom school is starting

Lining up outside

Awaiting the creaking of an opening door

To the room of revelation

Where head master would draw me in

And show me the things I have not yet grasped

My lesson now?
Patience.

And yes this is a lesson I have repeatedly learnt

But each time I flunk out

Because what has been remembered for the test

Has been forgotten for the life

Patience.

To not think my short-nosed plan is so correct and accurate

That I need not wait to see how things pan out

To realise there was no real way to prepare for all this changing

The moving of bags

The moving of roles

The moving of heart, and connections with friends

The moving of place where we learnt to be married, where we learnt to be missionaries, where we learnt to be truly us

Patience to settle back into this land of cold unfamiliarity

My house

not yet restored to being

my home

nothing yet has gone to “plan”
no job or school was one on our list three weeks ago

no idea remains for the rest of the year

for the nearly four weeks

have been a rollercoaster no end

Tick.

I still have much patience to learn.

So much to learn about the sovereignty of the clock maker.

Inbetween

Life As We Know It

I haven’t been very good at writing recently.

So much going on, so many thoughts…

But an inability to write has remained

Is it possible that so much is happening

So much is overwhelming

That the thoughts of it all just totally take over

And I can’t get any kind of words out

This “inbetween” stage is hard because there are no real inbetween stages in life

We are constantly going and moving

And Father God is teaching us something in it all

So I search through all the dirt and grit

To find those jewels

Those treasures

That I can hold onto

And that make this striving feel worthwhile

Short details on the various areas of our life:

Steve’s dad continues to be ill. Not sure how much improvement there is. He knows who we are when we visit the hospital so that is comforting, but he is very confused and tired. His mobility is by no means back to 100%. He had two small falls over the weekend at the hospital as he seemingly tried to do too much. He had a CT scan yesterday showing some swelling which led them to do an MRI today. Visiting hours are 2-4pm and 6:30-8:30pm each day. Steve, Ruth and I try and attend one each day, with amazing friends and beautiful congregation from St. Germain’s church going to the other hours. He is still on the Orthopaedic ward because of the broken bones. We are hoping he will move to the Oncology ward as soon as possible to get treatment for the tumour/cancer more effectively.

Steve’s desire to be a teacher continues. He is currently in ‘Plan A’ – getting a Full Time job with a primary school willing to put him through his GTP (graduate teacher programme – paid on the job teacher training for a year). He will keep going with this until the end of next week, and if there is no luck, he will move onto his ‘Plan B.’ He has been contacting dozens of schools via email and telephone. He is so organised ordered and courageous in it all. So proud of him and inspired by him. Today he had a look around at a school ahead of sending in an application for a Learning Support Assistant role at a local school. He really liked the school, and is hoping to get an interview.

My future plans have two paths. Path one is getting short term employment so we have money to live on. Last week I sent out/delivered my (very pretty) cv/resume to several female clothing stores in the city centre. Had some news/feedback for a couple saying there were now no vacancies or only 4 hr contracts, but I have an interview with one tomorrow (Wednesday) which is just a part-time role, with the potential for more hours at their store, or one of the other branches in the city. Not sure which one will be the right one, but hopeful Father God will lead me.

Path two is getting onto a social work masters course. Path two splits into two separate plans [the Millers are loving their plans at the moment!!]

‘Plan A’: Step Up to Social Work starting Feb 2012, paid masters course with Sandwell County Council (West Birmingham). I have made it through the first stage (review of the 2700 applications) and now my application is with the Sandwell County Council for them to review. I will find out by the end of the month if I have made it though to the next stage [interview/assessment centre day].

‘Plan B’: traditional Social Work masters starting Sept 2012, unpaid masters course with (hopefully) the University of Birmingham. I am completing my application, and have to write a one page personal statement on why I want to do the course, thoughts on social work, past experience etc. The deadline is January 15^th, but I want to get it in mid October to give myself the best chance of placement.

We have visited friends and family in Bristol and Oxford and look forward to visits to Burnley, York, Boure and St Neots from Thurs-Sun. Lots of driving, but lots of fun with people we spend far too little time with.

There is lots of other boring admin involving driving licenses, visiting doctors and dentists, and various other things. The only exciting part is I had my eyes tested (it had been 4 years since I last had them done) and discovered my left eye has got weaker and my right eye is over compensating for it, but that is putting a strain on my eyes so I need to change my prescription. I am sure there is a spiritual lesson in there somewhere. Plus side – there was a ‘2 for 1’ offer on glasses, so my two new pairs will be arriving soon. Very excited from a stylistic point of view.

I wish I had in me more inspiring words.

They are there somewhere. Buried. Deep.

Please pray for us and all the various needs we have.

Also to throw in there, I need to have documentation of my school exams taken aged 16 & 18 which are in a file somewhere in my Oxford house. Despite 4 hours of searching over the weekend, we are yet to find them. Cost to replace them is in excess of £200 ($300), money we would prefer not to spend on something like that.

Missing our Texas people lots and lots.

Missing the sun too.

Next Step

Notes have been lacking throughout the month of August due to being in San Antonio for three weeks, and then Colorado for a week for Pais Training. It's a hard life, really it is. 

My last note, Ahead, spoke of my conversation with Father God to step back from planning for our future in England (housing, jobs, courses, finances) and concentrate on pouring into the apprentices and leaders on Pais. 

Ten days ago, I received an email from my mother who somehow had found online an opportunity to get paid to do a masters in social work (the qualification I have been seeking to get) in 18 months (rather than 24 months) and start in February (rather than September next year).

A chance had fallen into my lap without me even trying and Father God once again confirmed that He sees everything and is ordering everything.

And He does a better job than I do.

Somehow, amongst all the craziness, training and flights, I managed to complete the application and today sent it off!!

Thanks to you for all your words of encouragement!!

Thanks to professional advice from many but especially Anna, Dave, Luke, Nikki and Debs!!

I am excited to see how this all works out. In September they contact all the people who haven't made it through to the Assessment Centre/Interview stage. So I am hoping to hear from someone in October to say I have made it through!! 

I will still be applying for the traditional masters course next month, but I am hopeful that this is a door that Father God has opened for me to step through. If not, all it has done is increased by drive and passion for social work and making an impact on the community. 

For now, I will leave you with my personal statement from my application. 

There may be grammtical errors, things you would change or things you don't like about it. 

My mother always said, if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all. 

And as she told me on the phone today as I told her I had submitted it, "All we can do is pray. What is done, is done. It cannot be undone."

----

A love for books and a passion for people led me to study English Literature and Sociology.

I am fascinated by the why’s of social interaction.

I have learnt that the issue is not the issue; what appears to be the reason behind an action, even if verbalised, is often shadowing something deeper within.

My dissertation on Black British culture analysed some of the continued inequalities and struggles faced within our society.

I have used my blog as a medium to inform and inspire on issues such as race, adoption, and relationships.

The last five years spent 5000 miles from family and friends produced resilience and strength to endure in difficult circumstances.

Marriage at just 23 has taught me the value of family and unity, as well as developed maturity that I do not believe I would possess otherwise.

Ten years of involvement in youth and children’s work has cultivated strong communication skills, both written and verbal.

I love speaking to groups of people, particularly females.

My heart breaks over the increased sexualisation of young girls, the rise of teenage pregnancy and body dysmorphia.

Through mentoring of both individuals and groups of girls (some for 3-4years), I have sought to intervene into these unfortunate social trends.

Through The Pais Project, I have learnt to work as a team player in partnership with colleagues, church leaders, and school staff to facilitate lasting change in young peoples lives.

Naturally a speaker, I have slowly learned to listen more and better help those around me.

Friends employed as social workers are all unanimous in communicating the demanding and often exhausting nature of their profession.

Testimonies from the current Step Up cohort are clear in describing isolation and course intensity.

I go into this venture sure of its difficulty, but excited by its potential.

I believe there is always hope…an opportunity for more than we are all living for, and more than we are experiencing right now. 

Ahead

Ahead.

In case you hadn’t noticed,

I like to plan.

I like to be organised.

I like to be prepared.

Yes, I frequently find myself late and dashing to an event, hastily running towards something, speeding across town.

But I go with a clipboard of notes in hand.

I want to be ready.

I know bad stuff will happen, things won’t quite work out, things will go wrong

But I will be ready for it.

I will be prepared.

So I’m superhuman mode at the moment.

Last week I:

• Planned and taught two sessions for two girls in two different grades, to teach them English writing skills
• Prepared 50-60 word biographies on 20+ speakers teaching at Pais training
• Finalised the printing and delivery of over 300 items of uniform for Pais training
• Cooked dinner and dad a girls sleepover (Mean Girls was included and two were vegetarian so I had to learn how to cook tofu)
• Finishing editing pictures from Treslyn’s birthday, graduation and baptism
• Editing some additional newborn baby photos for a friend
• Taught a session to 12 year olds on ‘Girl vs. Girl Crime’ (i.e. Gossip and bullying)
• Helped promote the book launch of ‘The Cloud and the Line’ and was at two events selling books
• Preparing three talks for Foundational Training (Adjusting to a new culture, Creative ministry and The Kingdom Principle of ‘Humbling and Exalting’)
• Planning my preach for Lakehouse Church (August 28^th) on ‘Arlington: A Certain Place’
• Grocery Shopping
• Packing for four weeks away from home
• Tidying my house

I tried to wash and go to the toilet too. 

So here we are facing four weeks of training (three in San Antonio, and one in Monument, Colorado)…and three weeks after that we will leave our apartment in Arlington, for a new unknown home in Birmingham. There is so very much to do.

But I have to let go.

I can’t do everything.

I can’t put 100% into training and simultaneously plan and prepare all that needs to be done for England.

I just can’t.

Even if I don’t wash or go to the toilet.

Sometimes, you have to look at what is laid before you, and just do the next thing.

Father’s words etch into me:

“Be still and know that I am God”

The song writers interpretation stands firm:

“When the oceans rise, and thunders roar // I will soar with you, above the storm // Father you are King over the storm // I will be still and know you are God.

Right now, Foundational Training needs my attention.

Foundational Training needs the best sessions I have to offer.

Steve needs me to assist and help in any and every way.

Leaders need my support and help.

New apprentices need my bubbly personality to help them settle in.

Hopefully no one will need my shoulder to cry on, but I will have tissues ready just in case.

I am believing and trusting in Father God for all the numerous things that are too long to list that we need in the time training.

I am choosing to be still in those areas.

And in my stillness, Father God will work.

He, Jehovah Jireh

the Lord God who provides

whose name is inscribed in our wedding rings

will work.

He will work on our behalf and organise that which needs to be sorted.

He will go ahead of us.

The verse continues to say:

“Be still and Know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

God will be glorified in all of our future plans.

I know that when everything all falls into place with houses and jobs and everything else, that we will know that it didn’t happen because of our striving.

It happened because of Him.

“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provision. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.

 God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

-----

{verses taken from: Psalm 46:10; Matthew:32-33}

Course

Course

We like quick fix

Fast

Drive thru’

Microwave

Instant

Speedy

Abbrv.

We want solutions

Answers

Action

Change

Difference

But yet can’t embrace process

Method

Time

Patience

We dig for secrets

Shortcut

Hidden

Loophole

Slam head against dead end.

Before you, us, all

Is a path

Road

Pilgrimage

Journey

It will finish when it is supposed to

The long adoption

The long job wait

The long period of singleness

The long feeling of grief

The long time ‘til moving

The long volunteer work experience

The long disease

The long uncertainty

“I will run the course of your commandments

You shall enlarge my heart.”

As I endure this

My heart grows

Learns

Responds

Adapts

Pursues

More of that which I am in need of

I am changed.

Course end reveals

Cocoon shell

Empty

No longer harbouring the old self

But new flying free

New large heart

Full with lesson learnt

And I learn to like it slow.

If I go too fast

Who knows what I might miss.

Him & him

So yesterday caused much ruckus

Amongst dating and married couples alike

A hated target amongst other wives

As their husbands declared

They too wanted

A white metal object of joy

My heart delighted

Too much in the deceit

And sneakiness

Of months of secret saving

To provide the “whoop whoop bird”

Something to truly

Make a noise about

But my heart delighted too

In the sacrifice

Of me not being the front

For behind the camera

I, like you, merely watch

In wonder at another’s joy

Was sacrifice worth

Not having Fossil purse

Or lack of TOMS wedges

Was sacrifice worth

More of him and

Less of

me?

Is sacrifice worth making vow

To say I will submit

And follow you

Not rearing ugly domineering head

But letting you lead

Knowing you have my interest

Best interest

Safely in your heart?

And when others

Even royals

Omit obey

Is sacrifice worth

Being the only one

To take words

In humble pie

Willing to say

I don’t know it all

I am often wrong

Two minds

Better than one alone

I will listen

And follow you

And as this horizontal

Same level relationship

Grows

Seeking to lift the other

And not all about self

It spurs me on in my worship of

Him

The one that it matters most about.

The one whose ways I ultimately

Submit to

For they are higher than mine

Wiser than mine

Can we put ourselves aside

Casting down pride

Willing to be less

So that others may be more?

Sick

I am not sick.

Scratchy throat.

Mucus overflowing.

Congested eyes.

Kleenex empty.

Orange juice overdose.

All a mere coincidence

Because

I am not sick.

Why do I not want to be “sick”?

Because to be sick

would mean to take

medicine

to a take a tablet that says

condescendingly with little blue face:

“There is something wrong with you;

you need to be fixed.”

The shame of feeling wrong

Being incomplete

Not 100%

The stigma of not being all put together

The pity eyes that say

“Hope you feel better soon”

I am not sick

Because I don’t want to be vulnerable.

I don’t want to be weak

Not strong enough

For the callings of day-to-day existence

When millions of others

Handle same situations

Just fine

But I cannot.

And that brings me shame.

I am not sick.

I don’t want to be sick.

I can’t be sick.

And because I refuse to take on the sickness

Confess the ill

Own the weakness

Admit my lacking

I will not be healed. 

Last

Arlington, Texas

My home for five years

Yesterday I got on a plane to you

For the last time that I know of

This is our last summer together

When we first met, the sun so bright and warm at 8pm

After invasive immigration “welcome”

You lavishness welcomed me as I settled into my pool house

My first experience of life behind gates

My British charm delightful

Until the second day came

when I called my host’s adult son

 a smart ass

And I realised your language is different

And I have a potty mouth.

I wondered whether I would fit

In within your

Redneck ways

And cowboy hats

But there is so much more to you than

The show ‘Dallas’ portrays

Arlington you were the place

I learnt

Really learnt

Youth ministry

Learnt it’s significance

Learnt that it makes my heart beat

Learnt that mediocrity doesn’t pay the bills

And doesn’t save souls

Learnt to delegate

Let go

Not control

And grow others

Learnt how hard

Yet beautiful it is

To create family

Family that loves Father

Learnt that consumerism

Is in the church

But authenticity

Brings freedom

Learnt about the journey

The conversation

The adventure in you

Your word

Really knowing and studying your word

And your spirit

In the everyday

And Arlington,

You were the place that comforted me

Wiped tears

In the face of

suicide

breast cancer

homesickness

brain tumours

And most of all

I thank you

For getting me married

And keeping me married

For without the mentors of your city

I know I would be

Another divorce statistic

Or another lonely girl

Unable to trust

The best way to know a city

Is to get lost in it

And now I don’t know where

Arlington ends

And I begin

So I put on my swimsuit

Enjoy your sun

Sip all the Sonic I can

And forget about the tears that will flow

When nine weeks

Is counted down.

Holiday

Sometimes

We just need

To slow down

To walk for 2 hours

Conversation with a heart

Like yours

Meander streets

While seeking intentionality

For your life

To wander stores and look

At colours

For creativity

And inspiration

Patterns and brights

That speak and show

Of another way

To look

At this thing

Of earth

To watch the eyes

The doorway to souls

Of strangers passing

Laughing

Living

An existence so unlike

Yet so similar

To your own

To wait

And see

If the Lord will fight

The battles that bring panic

Into the heart

That desires the release

To wait

and see if stillness

Can really produce

Effectiveness

To wait

And see

The friends whose faces

Have slight wrinkles from

Months more life lived

But whose faces big smile

Have not forgotten yours

To wait

And see

And taste

And see

That God

You are so very very good

And as I take the time

To really see

Holiday can be found on a beach

But also in a city

A graduation

A store

Or a home

Because holiday

That rest

The peace

Is found

continually

unconditionally

constantly

In my Father.

Release

Completely wiped from travelling but decided that I have to really press in and push in my writing, regardless of what is happening and how I feel…

there is release in my writing, release from the jumbled thoughts that don’t get out during the day

words that others can’t hear, words that I haven’t fully processed

release from thinking that I am crazy and no one feels the same way about things as I do

release from shouting above the crowds to be heard

release to not put on constraints or align with someone else

release to speak out the things that Father is pressing on me

I feel pressed right now.

Pressed with so much, so many thoughts going on, so much planning

And planning leads to worry

Because as I plan

I place expectations

Expectations of how things are going to work out

Expectations of how I will be, you will be, others will be

Expectations

That when shattered

Shatter a part of me

5.9 Richter scale

reminiscent of time in Nicaragua

where all was fine

and then all was shaken

ending unknown

panic gripped

fear took over

and now I worry

what will I eat

what will I wear

what will be my home

what will my “career” be

and I know you Father God

take care of the birds in the air

and I am person

made from your image

you delight in me

love overwhelming

hold future that seems so unclear and distant

in tiny cell of steady hand palm

yet nothing lifts the worry

Do I really know you?

For you are love and perfect love casts out all fear and so in the knowing of you, I know love and therefore I know

No fear

Yet fear and I walk hand in hand

On-again, off-again lovers

Who cannot be prized apart

Do I really trust you?

Do I really take your word and implant it not just in my head, but within the steely depths of my heart and keep it there safe so that it isn’t just words, it is who I am, it is me, it is my belief?

I can see you in others

And bring words of comfort to them

And show them you

In your fullness of glory

But is it really your fullness

If I am not full of you?

Always Thankful for...

• …a flight that was $300 cheaper than anything else we had found.
• a comfy row for two on the plane – Steve gets a window seat, I get an aisle; everybody’s happy!!
• Getting the hair hostess to make me a cocktail of apple juice and spirte – you know me, pushing the boat out!!
• Getting extra bread on the flight (I do love my carbs!!)
• Watching Big Momma’s House 3, Black Swan, Friends, Mr Bean, CSI, Modern Family, and listening to albums by Janelle Monae, Adele & Jessie J.
• Getting picked up in the car by Steve’s sister and baby Fraser less than a month old!!
• The energy of 2 year old Theo (with chickenpox) shouting “bina” & “steve” when we arrived at his house.
• English rain!!
• Arriving at coach station for bus to Oxford 3 minutes before it arrives!
• The sleep on the coach that made up for the lack of sleep on the plane.
• All six bags fitting into the car…by some crazy miracle, and by getting a little squashed!!
• English TV!!
• Fish and Chips for Dinner.
• A “quick trip” with my mummy lasting 2 hours, with ¾ of it involving walking!!
• Mooching around my house in pyjama’s.
• How excited everyone is to see us.
• The fun that we will have over the next two weeks.

• The beautiful sleep I will get tonight. 
• Life, and journey with my wonderful husband. 
• Conversation with Father God.