Losing

My babes are sleeping, but I cannot

I feel as if I live in this place of constant frustration

Of constant wrestling between two polar opposites

Of constant emotional battle where I never win

I know the unconditional love of Father God, his forgiveness and blessings

Yet my Bible remains so often unread, its life-giving words shut off to my heart

I stare at my beautiful baby girl, eyes bright with wonder and joy, loving my time with her

But haunted repeatedly by news stories, fears and worries, that any moment the enemy could snatch her away from me

Enjoying the freedom of staying at home with my princess, wondering about serving in the community, training so I my photos would pay

Yet wondering if it is mere whimsy, an idyllic life far from my reach, and I need to grasp the financial stability of returning to the formal grind of my previous work

Having the low-key, no worries option of renting, and knowing that my home doesn’t define me

But plagued by seeing more and more friends on property ladder, and wondering if we will ever climb its rungs

My heart cries out to write and write, and dreams of a future, a career, inspiring with pen, bringing life with words

Yet it seems just that, a dream so far away, a joy that can’t rise to the surface on long busy days.

Buts and Yets stutter my growth

As an adult

As a wife

As a mother

They stop me from enjoying where I am

And the future looms its dark cloud over me

I remain restless

I feel exhausted

I wonder if it will change at all

Or am I resigned to a life that just feels this torn

In the losing middle of tug-of-war

Why can’t I be satisfied and just enjoy where I am, who I am?

When will I fully understand,

It is what it is?

When will I rest?

When will I win?

Together

I hate being alone. 


I know hate is a strong word, but I really don't like it. Yes, we should be able to embrace quiet time, and learn to be still and silent, but I am part of the generation of people like Elizabeth Gilbert (protagonist in 'Eat, Pray, Love') that cannot learn to just be still and mediate in the position of a bridge, board, or other random inanimate object.

I need people!! I need noise!!

Another reason why Ghana is the best place in the world for me.

Under one five-bedroomed roof live twenty-two of us, ranging from 14-40, from seven different countries [Ghana, Togo, Germany, England, Mexico, America & Northern Ireland]. There is a frequently sung the song, "There were four in the bed and the lile one said, 'Move down because another apprentice just got accepted so we need to make room for them!'". With water problems for two days, toilets were full of everything from every orifice. Meals around the 8-seater table are a diving event of hands, food and madness. People sit on each others laps and the arms of the chair as we gather around the tv.

Yet there are no complaints. 

I said it yesterday, and I will reiterate it again: It takes a special type of person to give up the comfort of their western life and live in Africa.

And it is these special people who will change the world. 

I love the late night chats, the hanging out, the communal meals, the trips to the store that don't require ten people to go, but everyone is enjoying hanging out so much they can't break away.

Steve was yesterday's hero for fixing the water. The shower off our room is the best one in the house, so I offered whoever wanted to use it the opportunity to do so before we settled down for the night. After the final person finished, they mopped up the bathroom not wanting to leave it dirty for us.

At lunchtime, whether you have put money in the pot or not, bread, ham tongue and overpriced cheese are shared and passed around the table.

A toilet is cleaning thoroughly even though you weren't the one to repeatedly throw up in it.

This is what it means to be together.
To have community.
To live out the body of Christ.

It is not just in the words we say to encourage one another, or the polished preach we proclaim, but in the acts we serve one another with.

"This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples-when they see the love you have for each other."
{John 13:35 - the message translation}

I love the loudness of this house. The only moment of silence in the house is when "internet time" happens (for just one hour a day) and all the "foreigners" gather around their laptops to update their Facebook statuses, blogs and check emails.

The irony of a internet-based virtual community replacing human tangible connections.

There is no greater joy to me than this.
This togetherness.
This love.
This hope.

I imagine Father God loves it. 
Revels in it.
Takes joy and pride in us, His creation, fulfilling the purpose He desired us to have.

And I imagine how when it is released into the schools and the communities, the great impact it will make.