Release

Completely wiped from travelling but decided that I have to really press in and push in my writing, regardless of what is happening and how I feel…

there is release in my writing, release from the jumbled thoughts that don’t get out during the day

words that others can’t hear, words that I haven’t fully processed

release from thinking that I am crazy and no one feels the same way about things as I do

release from shouting above the crowds to be heard

release to not put on constraints or align with someone else

release to speak out the things that Father is pressing on me

I feel pressed right now.

Pressed with so much, so many thoughts going on, so much planning

And planning leads to worry

Because as I plan

I place expectations

Expectations of how things are going to work out

Expectations of how I will be, you will be, others will be

Expectations

That when shattered

Shatter a part of me

5.9 Richter scale

reminiscent of time in Nicaragua

where all was fine

and then all was shaken

ending unknown

panic gripped

fear took over

and now I worry

what will I eat

what will I wear

what will be my home

what will my “career” be

and I know you Father God

take care of the birds in the air

and I am person

made from your image

you delight in me

love overwhelming

hold future that seems so unclear and distant

in tiny cell of steady hand palm

yet nothing lifts the worry

Do I really know you?

For you are love and perfect love casts out all fear and so in the knowing of you, I know love and therefore I know

No fear

Yet fear and I walk hand in hand

On-again, off-again lovers

Who cannot be prized apart

Do I really trust you?

Do I really take your word and implant it not just in my head, but within the steely depths of my heart and keep it there safe so that it isn’t just words, it is who I am, it is me, it is my belief?

I can see you in others

And bring words of comfort to them

And show them you

In your fullness of glory

But is it really your fullness

If I am not full of you?