Depth

Depth

Contrary to popular belief

And Black folklore

I can swim.

Second to top group at school swim class

Several badges

Including water proficiency

I even know how to ‘scull’

But I don’t usually enjoy the water

The hair is definitely a factor

Again,

I don’t want to play the black card

But

I don’t have white hair.

It won’t dry neatly after 20 minutes in the sun.

I don’t wash my hair daily.

It is a 2 hour effort.

Minimum.

Today I have had the conditioning treatment in my hair for two hours,

Just for an extra shine.

But even when I plan ahead,

Prepare an evening to wash my hair,

Jump in pool full pelt and get my hair wet…

I don’t usually enjoy the water

The phobia is not aqua,

Nor is it hydro.

It is Bath.

Bathophobia.

Fear of depth

Or fear of being

Out

of my depth

The desperate treading water

Delayed speech

Respiratory system desperate to grasp air

And though it surrounds

It is out of reach

When you drown

You cannot wave for help

For instinct drives arms down

Movements become involuntary

A cry for help is silently inside the head

And this fear extends beyond the water

It overflows

Leaving me sinking like the titanic

In various areas of

My fear laden life

Fear panics me about

Being a mother, Succeeding in the future, Having a long marriage, Getting picked to be friend’s bridesmaids, The youth I lead living great lives, People really liking me, Having enough finances, Finding a great place to live…

…Following the heart of God.

And in my desperation

To be in my depth

To keep my head above water

To stay afloat within my shallow capacity

In my desperation to eliminate fear

From the confines, eradicate it

From the borders of my existence

But when submerged

Embracing depth

Head under water

New world I see

Capabilities realised

True life

found

greeted

grasped

Ariel’s cry to walk on land

Be comfortable

Be civilised

Be a “real” human

Not realising

The depths she had still to learn

under the water.

Under the water

Diving in fully

Releasing thr control

For I cannot control it all

Kicking out the crutch

The fake friend

That fear as pretended to be

The friend that said it would protect me

But in fact

You hindered me

You stunted my growth

Causing me

To live with armbands

Floaties restriction

Incognisant of the fact

I could swim for miles

Fear

No longer will your weeds wrap

Force me into the shallow

When my heart calls out

Deep

Unto

Deep.